Time To Sort It Out

So, yeah...from all the nice, there must be bad...and any simile there is linked to that (light-dark, good-evil, awesome-suck), but i never like clean cut left and right...I like the middle. Just chill right there where everyone gives me a sickly face telling me to pick a bloody side already, there's no point in dragging it on right in the middle cause everyone gets hurt to some degree...or, whatever. I like the middle...but I also like fairness, so don't try to bring up the "oh, but you voted democratic" bull-shit...any-who, it's not about the black man right now, it's about me...the Bi man!!! ~sighs~ Or so I thought...or, idk...I guess that's why I'm writing this up. What the Feck am I!!! >*.=.*<

Yar, so there were questions plowing through my head, not just this past weekend but for over a year now...am I really Bi? I found someone I willing to be with...but am I giving up an entire side of my identity by being with him? Now don't get me wrong, I love him...and I'll never stop loving him...but at the same time, it eats at me that I'll always be thrown into one side or the other no mater who I'm with. Is there a way I can maintain my sexual identity without jeopardizing my relationship? ~sighs~ This is the worse Catch-22 that I can think of...

As it has been stated by many, I am a very loving and pleasing person...which almost always leads to sex in the end. But...why? I do like it, but sometimes it seems that's all there is to some of my "friendships"...others, not so much. But it's not like one's better that the other...I like to be around people and interact with them, even if that interaction involves sex...it's because of the positive energy I get from the interactions. That's all I'm really after, the positive energy to counter balance all the negative I have to deal with.

But back to the whole, Bi thing...I guess I consider myself Bi because I have no problems with either side...there are pluses and minuses, but emotionally sex is sex. It gives me the same positive charge no mater who I'm with. Physically on the other hand...well, actually I don't like it...I like everything up to the sex itself, physically. So really I just get off to the positive emotional charge and the chemical release...that's the only thing that keeps me wanting more. But having a mate makes it hard, mainly because it's a long distance relationship...he understood that and let me be open, the catch...only with guys. I got why, but that didn't keep me from asking myself, would I really want to be with a girl again....I've only been with one before him, and it was ok.

Finding myself in an unlikely situation at MFF...I found myself testing that question. It was something I shouldn't have done, but I did it because I needed an answer before it was to late. The answer was...I still don't know! It was an interesting experience but it didn't really answer the damn question...am I Bi, or am I really just Gay and don't want to admit it?

Of course this brings up a whole slew of questions...but to sum them all up, are people born gay, bi or straight...do we chose, or is it decided by our environment? But...what is the true answer, or is there one...some say it's choice, others say it's genetics, and the rest say it's due to the events in there lives. I don't even wanna get religion involved, mainly cause that's not my ground to stand on and I don't wanna touch it. Icky!

I guess writing this helps some bit...but even then, I have no clue...I actually kinda want some input on this one if the few of ya who watch me would indulge me. Do I actually have an bi identity or am I running from the inevitable? IDK...I'm tired of asking with no one answering...or getting an answer that is just to shut me up. I know someone has to even have a half answer that would help me...anyone?

--


The dragon in question,


WHY >y.=.y<

MFF - it was what it was

So...it's a few days after the whole shindig in good old Wheeling, IL...I had some fun times, but some shaky times as well. I kinda just wanted to party, hang out with friends and such, and yes...I wanted to get a little drunk too. But it seems someone had spread the word that I'm still 20 and I guess they wanted to wait till AC next year when I hit the big two-one in six months. But whatever, if they didn't want me to drink then they could have said so. It still would have been nice to hang out at parties with people I know and kinda know instead of feeling left out and lonely the first couple of nights basically staying in the room for the night. It's ok, that wasn't the worse part...but lets focus on the good first.

I did have a fun time, just being around furs...friends or not, suiters or not...all are welcome by the Dragon! I love being surrounded by furs!! I met people I've only talked to on line, some I've heard about and was interested to meet, and many I knew before hand. It was all gewd!! I can't wait to see ya all again, soon I hope too. On another note, I would like to shout out to all those I can remember, and since I have no clue how to work the tag code for LJ and the fact that I post this to my other blogs that don't have the same coding, I'll just use regular names.

Of course it was nice ta see Woody, but it was unfortunate that I wasn't available to help load and unload when he needed some muscle! ~flexes~ I'll make it work next year, I might even help out here and there, cause I know ya guys need it. Konran, or "Drake" as some might know him by, was oh such fun...though I am kinda sorry that I shadowed you almost the whole con. I really need someone to move around with or I'll have no clue what to do...there were a few times I just froze, overwhelmed with furs, I couldn't chose whether to talk to some kewl people or go to a panel. Any-who, 'twas all good for me...hope it was good for you my friend...Konran!

Off to a fun couple...two actually, but one at a time now ya hear! The first Shale and Xander, you two were a blast to hang out with...on and off the floor ~wink wink~. But seriously, watching you two in-suit interacting with people, now that was entertainment. Hit me up sometime and we'll try to work something to hang out and such. The next up to bat is the fox couple, Sable and Digit, who are new to the group and the whole furry experience. Again, twas a blast hanging with you two on and off the floor ~wink wink~...and I'm sure we'll meet again soon. To everyone else, I'd love to meet you all again and I hope to see you soon, if not, again next year. Also, to those who wanna see some awesome pics...I got 'em, but I haven't had a chance to upload them anywhere...oh-well. If I do, I'll try and remember to post a link at some point. Any-who, this has gone on long enough...

--


The Dragon Says, Peace Out Y'all! >^.=.^<

Life is life, so what can one do but role the dice and take your turn...

Everyone wants to find the easy way out, the shortcut...or to go as far as to cheat. But in the end you always lose! Someone finds out, you get caught, and you usually have to do it all over again. It never changes, no matter what your age, location, sex, color, creed, orientation, or generation...the only thing that can possibly help you out is history. Learn from the past, even if it's not your own...take heed to all advice, even if it doesn't apply to you at that vary moment...at some point there is always a situation where that little piece of knowledge will come in handy. There are so many things to learn...but there are so many people that are either unwilling to teach, and even more people unwilling to listen! It's always pissed me off, but I guess I can't really say anything myself without being a hypocrite...who can't! I think that's the whole point...finally getting fed up with what stupid things one has done in the past, exploding about how stupid it was, and try to not do it again...but usually failing, and it starts all over again! Unless someone is completely dence, don't go off in there face about how they're a hypocrite, a flip-flopper...w'ever...as long as it seems they knew what they did and tried to change there ways, give 'em a second chance.

So, dose the whole last paragraph have a point to it...sure, I guess so...I some sort of round-a-bout way. But, I think I'm stuck in spin cycle...I've derailed, and I have no clue what the main point of this whole post was...but it doesn't mean it's not irrelevant. All of what I said before still applies and eventually I'll remember what I wanted to say.

I guess I'm trying to get at is...even with all this information one takes in during one's life, it's hard to actually sort it out in time to make sense of it all when you actually need it. I've learned that in certain situations, in the relationship area...in general that is, not just the romantic...it's best to leave well enough alone. One should be concerned, and aware...but not constantly poking and prodding to make sure every little detail is alright. Guess what! It never is!! As I have basically already stated, life sucks! ...Damn, where was I going with that again? Well, if I can't remember, I guess I could just rant about how my life particularly sucks at the moment...but I guess I also need to point out certain things about me first to better understand (like anyone really wants to). Most people who know me, who actually know me...know that I am an emotional person...not like I'm a flip the lid emo-boy over here. But I am basically an empathy sponge...if everyone is happy or partying, I'm balls-to-the-walls groovin'. Of course, if someone is worried, or sad, etc....I want to try and help best I can, make everything work out for the best, and so-on. But the point of all that was, I never know what I feel...I'm constantly getting bombarded with everyone else's emotions that mine have forever been drowned out. I never know what's best for me...but after all these years, it feels as if they're starting to speak up...and now, I don't know what to do with them.

I don't know anymore...right now all I know I want is to be with a certain someone, and try and make things work. It's just, blarg...am I too young to find true love? I wouldn't think so...love has no set time limit...it doesn't kick in after "X" amount of years...it just is. But at the same time...I've just started to try and find myself out these past few years. Five years ago I found the Furry fandom and knew that I always was one at heart, three years ago I came to terms that I was a Bisexual all my life, and two years ago I was introduced to someone I'll never stop thinking about and want to be with for all my years to come, and this past year I've slowly started to learn what it is that I want (in life, in love, in bed). That's a lot in such a short time and I still want to learn more about me...but, as life moves on I find myself running into catch-22's. To learn more about myself, I like to spend time with others; hanging out, partying, playing...even messing around in bed. But with me being in a relationship...well, it makes him feel uncomfortable that I'm so open with everyone, at first he said he didn't mind but I knew he did. I knew he had been in past open relationships that went bad and that me wanting one made him think that ours would go bad. Even though I've only been in a few relationships before hand, it's what I've learned from others...it's not the relationship itself that goes bad, it's the people. In his past experiences,the other always took advantage of the open status, meaning there were set rules and they asked for exceptions, bent them, or blatantly broke them. If it was a closed relationship these people would have ended up cheating on him and in the end, still hurt him...if not more, at least as much.

I'm here trying to prove that I'm different...but there have been occasions where I lose all sensible reasoning and make exceptions myself...now, I'm not going to lie about it, or I wouldn't have posted it here (and if you're reading this baby, I'm sorry...). It's always hard for me to stay in the lines...there is always a part of me that says, "but this might be your only chance to experience this"...and for some reason I occasionally listen to that part, but I'm prepared to pay for that. If in the end it means I lose the only one I'll ever love...I don't know what I'll do, but I know nothing will be the same again. There have been time where I've thought, "I'll never get this chance again...just this once..." and so on...but, the times where someone said or I thought, "he doesn't have to know...he'll never find out...if you don't tell I won't" that's where is drew the line. I hate lying to people, or keeping secrets...and from the one I love, well...that just makes it even worse. Why would anyone want to keep something hidden from the one they want to be with forever? It hurts me when someone does that to there lovers, because someone will eventually get hurt...and like I said before, when they hurt, I hurt.

Any-ways...I'm being a little too emo right now...teh dragon is done, for now.

--


Peace Out

Up to this point...

Things have been going, ok...so far. There have been a few changes since I got back...one of the biggest ones being....IT'S FALL! >>.=.<< So damn cold now. I was happy up in the mountains down there...in West Virginia, that is. It was comfy and such...but I guess that was cause I was with my love. >^.=.^< Any-who, things have been moving on while I was gone...my younger brother doing less than me in school, my dad looking for a place to buy (for the fifth year)...but I think he's actually found a place this time around. Well, he better...it seems that our current landlady wants to move back into this building and she has an eye on our place, so she's not going to renew the lease next month. W'ever...it's giving my dad motivation to get a place.

Speaking of a place...at some point, sometime after the move from here, I would like to move out...away from these fools! If I get a little more work, maybe even a job...or at least a part-time job...just to get a little cash flow in to my pocket (instead of just the steady leak...out of my pocket). After that, and probably after I get my damn drivers license, an apartment! Split it up with someone...just finally out on my own. Just a little place that doesn't have the two clowns here, maybe some place for my big bro to crash when he's over in the city...again, so he doesn't have to deal with the two dopes.

Any-who, it all sounds like a super plan, but I guess I need to actually start doing something so I can carry it all out at some point in the near future. And so...I am off to do just that.

--


Peace Out! >^.=.^<

so...i made it, but lacked a conection >..<

So, shortly after my little freak-out at the bus station I, calmed the fuck down and, was able to rearrange both busses to the next day...for no charge. I called my Gran in town to pic me up since my sis and her mom were at work and my bro was off to training for the weekend. I decided to stay over there for the night since here place was literally down the street from the bus. Got some sleep since I had been up the night before packing my shit to catch the bus I missed.

So I finally hit up the bus early Friday morning...it was a little crowded, but I don't mind that at all. Being from Chicago, I'm use to riding on a bus or train squished between three people...this time it was only one and a wall, quite comfy. A stop here a stop there, we were only forty minuets off schedule by the time we got to Pittsburgh...and that's fine by me. I found the next bus, hopped on...and was finally on my way to see my darling. Things got a little cockeyed once I was in the city though. Apparently there are two stops for the bus in Morgantown, one at it's headquarters...the other at the bus depot. Guess what...I got off at the wrong stop. >..<

It was kinda crappy since the web-site doesn't mention that there are two stops...and which on is which. But it was ok...I was at least in the city, and there was a local bus that dropped me off at the depot. From there it was a matter of following google maps! Taking a few wrong turns due to some oddly angling intersections and a few missing street signs, I got to a certain spot and called my baby up and asked him the best way from where I was. Unknown to both of us, I was standing in front of his place at the time of the call, so the instructions he gave me were quite confusing.

Let me tell you this, Morgantown, West Virginia is not a place you want to get lost in...not because the streets are dangerous, oh no! It's because the streets are so fecking steep!!! I walked up, and down...and up again...and almost down once more where I stopped halfway and said, "Wait one minute!". I decided to ignore the directions for they were getting me no where except closer to a hospital for exhaustion. I began to look at the numbers like any sensible person would do...and I saw them jump. That's just strange...well, I found that in between the two numbers there were a set of stairs, with no numbers, to a house, with no front door.

I now completely knew what he was talking about...it just kinda irked me that, I passed this house FOUR TIMES!!! >..< Meh, it's all good...I headed towards the back and up another set of stairs to find one of his room mates in the living room chillin'. Good thing too, cause the b/f didn't get off work for another two hours. But, it was worth the wait...basically the whole theme of this trip. Through all the waiting, the trouble, the tight spots I've gotten into...they've all been worth it to finally be with someone who truly loves me...even if he just started a new job and has to work every day. Oh-well.

--


>^.=.^<

stuck in a hole - for now

well, all was well and going to plan...I left last Friday from Chicago to Toledo, staying the week with my brother and sister. A little partying, a little chilling, a little watching the baby niece...and here it is, Thursday morning. I should be on a bus right now heading to Pittsburgh!!! The station opened at five in the morning, the bus left at five fifteen...I got there at four and the station was locked up tight and dark, so i chilled in the parking lot in the front. An hour later the lights popped on, it was five-five...I packed the few things i had to amuse me for the time and walked to the front...only to find the doors were locked!!! I jogged around back to find that my bus was about to leave...and I still hadn't claimed my ticket! I get inside, where a couple just approached the desk...I ask if i could go ahead, since my bus was about to leave. But, NOOOOOO!!!1!! The clerk already started with them...I was freaking out my friends, FREAKING! The bus pulled away just as they got there tickets...I went up to the clerk, and it literally too five seconds to print my ticket...my pre-paid ticket!...my pre-paid ticket for a bus that just left ten seconds ago!!!! I was PISSED...I still am pissed. So, here I am...stuck in Toledo, Ohio for the time being...till I can figure what to do, with a useless ticket...and another bus that i can't catch, since I HAD to catch the first one out! My b/f doing his best to keep me calm...but it's so hard with all this crap going on. I want to see him...I can't wait to see him...but I wanted my plan to work out...which it hasn't. Now, it hasn't failed, it's just gone so horribly astray. I might be able to catch the next bus from here to Pitts at eleven fifty...which gets there at six...and the only bus from Pitts to Morgantown leaves at two! FOUR HOURS AGO!!! I might be able to try this again tomorrow if I can convince the other bus company to shift the day...for another ticket i already bought! But no matter what, I have to pay at least fifteen bucks to change the ticket from Toledo to Pittsburgh from the one I missed to any other date. I'm just so pissed...I almost cried! The bus was literally next to me as i stood in line to get the ticket to get on it...I watched it pull away. That was the worst part...if I missed it before hand...and it was already gone, maybe not so much freaking out on my part. BUT I WAS THERE FOR AN HOUR BEFORE HAND!!!

I'm Every Where, and I'd Like To Share!

So, as booted up Fire-Fox today, I noticed how many ways there are to find me On-Line. The fact that I have two blogs is kinda odd for me...I just never seemed like the person who would take time to talk about myself here on the Inter-Web. But here I am, typing in a program that can post to multiple Blogs at once. Any who, I guess I'll get to listing off my many connections!

Face Book - You'll find me there under Bob Krause, I'm starting to clean it up a bit but it's still a little cluttered. I just want everything that junks up my name, out of there.

My Space - There is a page that I have there, under BigBouncingBob, but i haven't dose anything with that page in at least two years...It's really bad looking, I need to clean it up at some point.

Blogger - It was my first blog found under BigBouncingBob, it has a little more here and there, but now that I've found this neat program I'm posting the same content to both blogs.

LiveJournal - At first I avoided LJ all together, I didn't want any of the drama that seems to brew there...but I gave in and ~poof~ here it is, found under WHY the Dragon.

Orkut - Who could forget Orkut? Such a silly little social site where it seems like EVERYONE is from Brazil! (Bob Krause)

There are also other instances of my presence in the grate WWW...like my art pages;

Fur Affinity - The primary hub of my artwork...actually, the only one at the moment. But any-who, you can find me there under William Yamagoshi though I am trying to get it changed to my new found artist identity, WHY the Dragon. (A play on my initials as a furry, William Heyer Yamagoshi).

Yiff Star - Yes, I'm on YS as well...though, I haven't posted anything there, you can find me as WHY the Dragon.

Anthor Star - Of course if I'm on one, I'll be on the other...WHY the Dragon.

And just to squeeze a few on the end:

Pounced - Because it's always nice to have your fingers in all the pies, Nooo...not like that! (dirty, dirty mind!) There I be under William Yamagoshi, just chillin' my heart there.

LAFF wiki - Just so there's a little more of me out there for all of you, I posted it on my local furry group's wiki as me, William Yamagoshi.

Pandora - Where I go to catch a crazy string of sweet songs, just what I was lookin' for...under, Bob K. WooT, yeah! ROCK \m/ >..< \m/

Well that's it for me...got other things to do than this, so...

--Peace! I/O

For the Swarm, For the Hoard, For SPARTA!!!...no, for me... V..V

Here I am, got no direction at the moment...just drifting, living, and not really enjoying any of it. I want to do something in my life, I want to move on in any direction...but here I be, stuck in the mud. With any directing better than where I am now, here...sinking, feeling nothing except for brief periods when I am around people I enjoy and love. For the remainder, here I am...at home, with my younger brother, who has started school again, and my father, who has started yet another job. They are both off during the day, which is nice because then i don't have to see them for the majority of the time...but, I'm still here and being with them...they just such the essence out of me. All my will is dashed away the moment they enter the door...I just don't want to be around them anymore, twenty years is enough for me.

I want to find my way, and I think I've found a solution...I am leaving. now I know what ya might think..."where are you going to go?", well, I know it's not the best solution but I'm off to West Virginia. It's nothing permanent though, I know...there's nothing really out there, well...I wouldn't say nothing, he's out there...waiting for me. I just need to be close to him for a while, near him...to hold him, and tell him everything will be fine. I won't be doing nothing now, I'm going to do what I can to find work out there...earn a little something to get by on and to get back on. I'll come back of course, I'm not going to miss MFF after all the hubbub I've made and the wait I went through to go to it.

I know I need to plan it out just a tad more than I have at this time, but I believe it's the best thing to do for me...to try and make it on my own, kinda, but mainly to get away form the old man and the twat. But the plan so far is, going out to the burbs this weekend, finish working things out on my end next week, then off to my bro's place in Ohio...and afterwords, him. From then there are two weeks till October, and the first weekend is the BBQ I told him I'd go to anyways...guess I won't have to worry about getting there since I should already be. As for the remainder, the rest of the month will pass by...and by then I should be certain about many things. Whether or not that was the wisest move, If being away from the terrible two will do me any good or if I'm just a feck up all the time and it's just convenient to blame them. The biggest of them all...but least I worry about is, if him and I are truly meant to be...of course everything feels right, the signs say yes, but you never truly know until you ask the question and give it enough time to answer back. Well, I guess it's time to give a shout out to the caverns of life...and just wait for it to give a holler back.

--Peace!

How Am I? ~Chuckels~ Well...

A step in my shoes is like the weight of the world, except the world is a tiny ass pebble that's big enough to annoy you but small enough you don't want to do anything until you foot is raw and bleeding. To me, life ain't no thing, but that might be the problem, I just glide on by to the next day with out even thinking twice. I do my best not to stand out, but I don't want to fade away...I try not to dwell in the past, but I try and learn from my mistakes. I am the forever existing void...the null-living...I exist for that one reason, to exist. Life gets so pointless when you know there's nothing to it...but not pointless enough that I would try and speed up the inevitable. (Yes I just hinted at my suicidal thoughts that brood in me, but, like the rest of my thoughts...will never amount to anything)

Sometimes I just get tired of it, the nothingness...the void...people say I should do something, anything...and it's not like I don't say the same thing. I want to do something...anything to kill the boredom, the wait...till, the end...but even then, nothingness. I drown quietly in my own sorrow of, not even failure...one would have to at least try once to fail...I don't even get that far. Some wonder why...why all this sorrow in someone who, normally you would think would be happy and such. One who is provided, not the best but adequate conditions to be brought up in...everything provided, nothing to worry about...just sit over there and do your one thing. School, school...SCHOOL! Sure, what ever...I never cared that much, well...I wouldn't say that. I liked learning and shit, but the applying part...never my bit. Course, when ever I showed interests in things...no one ever paid attention. It was more of, "good for you, look at what you've found interest in. let's see where you go with that," and then...poof, gone...like I'm a ghost. A kid can only take so much till he feels...just, nothing for anything anymore.

Sure, here I am now...when I'm with people, I play it like there's nothing going on...though there are the few that feel there is. I just don't feel like killing the mood with my sob story all the time. I've gotten over it, time and time again...I can do it just one more time. I share what I need to with those who really want to know, but the rest of the time...let me just have what fun I can. I know what some of you keep saying, "why don't you do somethin, just move" or "get on with your life, you don't need him" and I feel you, I do. I just hate that man, yes...I'm saying it loud for the masses, I HATE MY MOTHER F-KING FATHER!!! He seems to be the source of all my pain...I mean, sure he's done a lot for me since forever, but the negative out weighs the positive...and not just the big things here and there, it's the piles and piles of little things too! If you met him the first time you would be all, "oh, he's not that bad at all. He's fun and stuff and everything." but after just a few more visits you will turn. You'll turn like the few friends I did chance and bring over to hang out...and the you shall see what I have seen for two decades!

Of course I can't blame it completely on him...it was his upbringing that made him that way. No really, ask him...he'll tell you the same exact thing. But yes, even I can't hold it against the man I hate and despise...who I whish would say that one, more, thing...that will just...push me over the, edge...and ~snap~ STOMP HIS ASS TO A PULP! But with all silliness aside, you all know that I would never do that...I just can't, no matter how much he does to agitate me, no matter how much I brood over all that he's done...I just couldn't. It's not in my nature to do so...to do any ill will or harm to anyone, unless they need it...to teach them a lesson, about how to treat people with respect and such...or at least not stomp there ass if they cross you line. Ya know what I'm saying?

I guess I could just say, "for get this bull," and slide my finger to the delete button, but I won't. Thing's need to be said...out there, I actually don't care who reads it all. If you show some interest, well...good for you. Ya know, you've always had a heart...and you lion, you've always been brave deep down inside. No matter what crap I've been through, I never bring it to the table...that's why I'm almost always a pleasant person to be with and around. There's just too much drama in the world already, I'm not going to make it someone else's problem, I can deal with it my self...I just need an out put of some sort (kind of like this) or else I'll be up all night (kind of like now) not being able to sleep because of having to deal with him...again, day after day.

But other than that...I'm doing just fine and dandy, how 'bout you? ^..^

--

Peace Out! I/O

IDHAFCWTDN!DYK?

So, once again...here I be, stuck in the mud...getting nowhere fast, just smoozing along...and I'm sick and tired of it, but what ever. V..V Some people, like myself, are just not motivated by anything...but it's not that we're lazy or anything, there's just a disconnect somewhere in the wiring. >..< size="1">[add dramatic echo here] "Laziest Person In The World", but even he calls me lazy. He said he was never motivated enough to do anything him self, and if he were to get anywhere in like there would have to be someone to tell him what to do; and so...he decided to join the Army.
I just said "No" right off the bat...no matter what, that is not the way...well, maybe after a few years with Obama, but during a war?!? Forget that! Mmm, but there has to be something about it that make people think it's the best move for me. Everyone keeps bringing it up, even my supper liberal Bobba [grandma] and aunt. I think I just need to find the right environment, and...zoom!...I'll be off like a rocket.
But, where I am now...erf, it just makes me depressed sometimes when I step back and look at my situation, and when I get depressed...forget it, I'm out for the day. Well...not completely out, there is one thing that will pull me out of the dumps no matter what. ^..^ An unexpected call from ~sighs~ HIM...~drools~. I speak of my one and only, Zack! I'm not sure if I brought him up in my previous posts, but...~blushes~ he's my boyfriend...well, that's more of a temporary title. Hopefully, sometime soon, there will be something a little more permanent...I just don't know which of us is going to make the move. I've planned out that moment, over and over...but, I be just a little too shy and cautious, but he seems to be more outgoing in all areas.
Well...I don't know, there's been a lot to think of on my end...not just with him, but with other things as well. School, work...just life in general, all just one big...Blah! I wish I had some better direction...not just motivation, I have so many things that would motivate anyone...it's just that final push that will set me off and that's it. If I could just get that push, I'd be set for life...and even the next...just a big Whoooosh...and I'm gone.

Another Step Complete

Well, got another brick in the wall secured in place...finally got the High School Diploma knocked out of the way, and it only took me five years to do it. (gerf) >..< Can't complain, but now it's the hard part...what now? No ones talked about it, well I mean there have been people who've given me a pitch...and I've heard them all, but what about em? This place, that place...who's accredited where...cost, programs. Maybe if I knew what i was doing, then I could worry about all that...but see, no ones ever helped in that area. I've got an idea, but I have no clue where to search or what program I need to do what I want to do. That's why I don't feel like doing anything in that area, I hate stabbing in the dark, maybe a little light would help...even just one itty-bitty candle would do wonders, ya know? But it seems that once you're out of sight...you're out of mind and all you got is you.
Just seems like a load of shit though...I know that I'm not easily motivated, but even the smallest nudge would get me going. But have i gotten that little bump on the rump...oh, no-no-no-no-no! In fact I've gotten quite a few smacks on the hands, "why haven't you done anything yet", "when are you going to do anything", "now what, eh"...and on, and on, and on. I can't take it...and it's not doing me any good! Sure I'll look into things every once in a while...but i have no idea what I'm looking for, or even at! It's like looking for the Holy Grail...when ya don't even know what the hell it is!....(oh, it a cup! fancy that...who would have guessed?...erm, now what?).
I start looking left but then it's, "oh they're not accredited!"...then i look right, "oh, they're a little expensive aren't they?"...then all of a sudden, "why did you stop looking into the first places?". Gee-bus!!!...and now I got these schools callin' me...(I know its not really them...I checked some box on some web site with out reading the whole thing [I do that a lot, I just make sure I'm not signing over my soul]...and it's just there auto dialer ringin' me through)...but to hear how they go after each other...damn! It's worse than politicians! If they're callin' me to get my money and teach me a thing or two...I'm all for it, but i just hate it when they dis the other guys. That is not the way to get my vote...ya talk about what you do, make some positive comparisons like, "we have more detailed classes to help you learn what you want better" not, "there classes suck and ours are cool"...which is basically what they say.
I don't know anymore...there are just too many factors that I would like to sift through, but i don't have time for. I'm afraid that I might make a quick move and fall into something I don't want to be part of. I just want to fined a place (or places) that will get me the starter stuff out of the way for cheap, and the area of interest done in a way that I'll actually remember it afterwards. ...and I don't want to really move from where I am, I like it here too much! Well that seems to be my little nub of life at the moment...till next time, Peace!

Up To Now

Well, well, well...it's been quite awhile, but HEY! I'm still alive, that counts for something, eh? Well, even so there's not much to talk about just catch-up stuff since the last post, other than that it's been quite bland, unexciting, disappointing, and most of all boring! So, the same old, same old. So last time i kinda lashed out, well it's expected in the kinda life I live and every now and then I just have to let lose somehow, but it can be assured that I did not do anything rash. I can keep my cool under pressure of every intensity, but let's stop that and get the ball rolling.

Let me just say that this year, the school year that is, was a complete waste of time. For some bizarre reason i thought i could make it through another year at Northside, complete my supper senior year there and blow that Popsicle stand. Oh, FUCK NO...as expected I blew the first half right out of the watter, but some how i got away with two half credits. But even with that I said, 'Fuck this', and got myself out of there...but do not fret, i set myself up at Truman. Gona push myself through this program and, get this...I'm still going to get a Northside diploma, don't know how but I'm not going around asking questions. So, yeah...I'll be out of there by June, probably take a little time off then...WORK, all day and night till I fall over!

So now going back a little bit, finally went to my first Furry Convention...well it was nice, had a few people there that I knew that made it what it was, and again I thank them for that. But all around, I truly dig it all and hopefully I'll be heading to many, many more. In other news, I've been finding more and more furry friends...though I only see them every now and then, I always have a great time! Every now and then things get exciting, and that's always good...but it's always nice just to be around 'em, they just re-energizes me and I LOVE IT!

And so, in the time to come, I'll be kicking myself into gear about the whole school thing...if I'm going to be doing anything anytime soon I need to get that diploma. After that, for the summer at least, I'm gona be working my ass off with my brother pulling in as much scratch as we can. When Autumn comes, who knows...I might still be in Chi-Town working or hittin' up the College scene, or moving out to Ohio with my bro-ham doing the College thing. Or even moving out to West Virginia to bunk with my mate, figure things out there...school?..work?..who knows?

Well that's what be with me, Up To Now! I'll catch you all on the flip side,
Peace Out! I/O

B.

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