How Am I? ~Chuckels~ Well...

A step in my shoes is like the weight of the world, except the world is a tiny ass pebble that's big enough to annoy you but small enough you don't want to do anything until you foot is raw and bleeding. To me, life ain't no thing, but that might be the problem, I just glide on by to the next day with out even thinking twice. I do my best not to stand out, but I don't want to fade away...I try not to dwell in the past, but I try and learn from my mistakes. I am the forever existing void...the null-living...I exist for that one reason, to exist. Life gets so pointless when you know there's nothing to it...but not pointless enough that I would try and speed up the inevitable. (Yes I just hinted at my suicidal thoughts that brood in me, but, like the rest of my thoughts...will never amount to anything)

Sometimes I just get tired of it, the nothingness...the void...people say I should do something, anything...and it's not like I don't say the same thing. I want to do something...anything to kill the boredom, the wait...till, the end...but even then, nothingness. I drown quietly in my own sorrow of, not even failure...one would have to at least try once to fail...I don't even get that far. Some wonder why...why all this sorrow in someone who, normally you would think would be happy and such. One who is provided, not the best but adequate conditions to be brought up in...everything provided, nothing to worry about...just sit over there and do your one thing. School, school...SCHOOL! Sure, what ever...I never cared that much, well...I wouldn't say that. I liked learning and shit, but the applying part...never my bit. Course, when ever I showed interests in things...no one ever paid attention. It was more of, "good for you, look at what you've found interest in. let's see where you go with that," and then...poof, gone...like I'm a ghost. A kid can only take so much till he feels...just, nothing for anything anymore.

Sure, here I am now...when I'm with people, I play it like there's nothing going on...though there are the few that feel there is. I just don't feel like killing the mood with my sob story all the time. I've gotten over it, time and time again...I can do it just one more time. I share what I need to with those who really want to know, but the rest of the time...let me just have what fun I can. I know what some of you keep saying, "why don't you do somethin, just move" or "get on with your life, you don't need him" and I feel you, I do. I just hate that man, yes...I'm saying it loud for the masses, I HATE MY MOTHER F-KING FATHER!!! He seems to be the source of all my pain...I mean, sure he's done a lot for me since forever, but the negative out weighs the positive...and not just the big things here and there, it's the piles and piles of little things too! If you met him the first time you would be all, "oh, he's not that bad at all. He's fun and stuff and everything." but after just a few more visits you will turn. You'll turn like the few friends I did chance and bring over to hang out...and the you shall see what I have seen for two decades!

Of course I can't blame it completely on him...it was his upbringing that made him that way. No really, ask him...he'll tell you the same exact thing. But yes, even I can't hold it against the man I hate and despise...who I whish would say that one, more, thing...that will just...push me over the, edge...and ~snap~ STOMP HIS ASS TO A PULP! But with all silliness aside, you all know that I would never do that...I just can't, no matter how much he does to agitate me, no matter how much I brood over all that he's done...I just couldn't. It's not in my nature to do so...to do any ill will or harm to anyone, unless they need it...to teach them a lesson, about how to treat people with respect and such...or at least not stomp there ass if they cross you line. Ya know what I'm saying?

I guess I could just say, "for get this bull," and slide my finger to the delete button, but I won't. Thing's need to be said...out there, I actually don't care who reads it all. If you show some interest, well...good for you. Ya know, you've always had a heart...and you lion, you've always been brave deep down inside. No matter what crap I've been through, I never bring it to the table...that's why I'm almost always a pleasant person to be with and around. There's just too much drama in the world already, I'm not going to make it someone else's problem, I can deal with it my self...I just need an out put of some sort (kind of like this) or else I'll be up all night (kind of like now) not being able to sleep because of having to deal with him...again, day after day.

But other than that...I'm doing just fine and dandy, how 'bout you? ^..^

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Peace Out! I/O