Life is life, so what can one do but role the dice and take your turn...
Everyone wants to find the easy way out, the shortcut...or to go as far as to cheat. But in the end you always lose! Someone finds out, you get caught, and you usually have to do it all over again. It never changes, no matter what your age, location, sex, color, creed, orientation, or generation...the only thing that can possibly help you out is history. Learn from the past, even if it's not your own...take heed to all advice, even if it doesn't apply to you at that vary moment...at some point there is always a situation where that little piece of knowledge will come in handy. There are so many things to learn...but there are so many people that are either unwilling to teach, and even more people unwilling to listen! It's always pissed me off, but I guess I can't really say anything myself without being a hypocrite...who can't! I think that's the whole point...finally getting fed up with what stupid things one has done in the past, exploding about how stupid it was, and try to not do it again...but usually failing, and it starts all over again! Unless someone is completely dence, don't go off in there face about how they're a hypocrite, a flip-flopper...w'ever...as long as it seems they knew what they did and tried to change there ways, give 'em a second chance.
So, dose the whole last paragraph have a point to it...sure, I guess so...I some sort of round-a-bout way. But, I think I'm stuck in spin cycle...I've derailed, and I have no clue what the main point of this whole post was...but it doesn't mean it's not irrelevant. All of what I said before still applies and eventually I'll remember what I wanted to say.
I guess I'm trying to get at is...even with all this information one takes in during one's life, it's hard to actually sort it out in time to make sense of it all when you actually need it. I've learned that in certain situations, in the relationship area...in general that is, not just the romantic...it's best to leave well enough alone. One should be concerned, and aware...but not constantly poking and prodding to make sure every little detail is alright. Guess what! It never is!! As I have basically already stated, life sucks! ...Damn, where was I going with that again? Well, if I can't remember, I guess I could just rant about how my life particularly sucks at the moment...but I guess I also need to point out certain things about me first to better understand (like anyone really wants to). Most people who know me, who actually know me...know that I am an emotional person...not like I'm a flip the lid emo-boy over here. But I am basically an empathy sponge...if everyone is happy or partying, I'm balls-to-the-walls groovin'. Of course, if someone is worried, or sad, etc....I want to try and help best I can, make everything work out for the best, and so-on. But the point of all that was, I never know what I feel...I'm constantly getting bombarded with everyone else's emotions that mine have forever been drowned out. I never know what's best for me...but after all these years, it feels as if they're starting to speak up...and now, I don't know what to do with them.
I don't know anymore...right now all I know I want is to be with a certain someone, and try and make things work. It's just, blarg...am I too young to find true love? I wouldn't think so...love has no set time limit...it doesn't kick in after "X" amount of years...it just is. But at the same time...I've just started to try and find myself out these past few years. Five years ago I found the Furry fandom and knew that I always was one at heart, three years ago I came to terms that I was a Bisexual all my life, and two years ago I was introduced to someone I'll never stop thinking about and want to be with for all my years to come, and this past year I've slowly started to learn what it is that I want (in life, in love, in bed). That's a lot in such a short time and I still want to learn more about me...but, as life moves on I find myself running into catch-22's. To learn more about myself, I like to spend time with others; hanging out, partying, playing...even messing around in bed. But with me being in a relationship...well, it makes him feel uncomfortable that I'm so open with everyone, at first he said he didn't mind but I knew he did. I knew he had been in past open relationships that went bad and that me wanting one made him think that ours would go bad. Even though I've only been in a few relationships before hand, it's what I've learned from others...it's not the relationship itself that goes bad, it's the people. In his past experiences,the other always took advantage of the open status, meaning there were set rules and they asked for exceptions, bent them, or blatantly broke them. If it was a closed relationship these people would have ended up cheating on him and in the end, still hurt him...if not more, at least as much.
I'm here trying to prove that I'm different...but there have been occasions where I lose all sensible reasoning and make exceptions myself...now, I'm not going to lie about it, or I wouldn't have posted it here (and if you're reading this baby, I'm sorry...). It's always hard for me to stay in the lines...there is always a part of me that says, "but this might be your only chance to experience this"...and for some reason I occasionally listen to that part, but I'm prepared to pay for that. If in the end it means I lose the only one I'll ever love...I don't know what I'll do, but I know nothing will be the same again. There have been time where I've thought, "I'll never get this chance again...just this once..." and so on...but, the times where someone said or I thought, "he doesn't have to know...he'll never find out...if you don't tell I won't" that's where is drew the line. I hate lying to people, or keeping secrets...and from the one I love, well...that just makes it even worse. Why would anyone want to keep something hidden from the one they want to be with forever? It hurts me when someone does that to there lovers, because someone will eventually get hurt...and like I said before, when they hurt, I hurt.
Any-ways...I'm being a little too emo right now...teh dragon is done, for now.
--
Peace Out
