Wedding Pictures!!!

I present to you the wedding of (Digit) Kristin & (Sable) Kevin Thurman!!!

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...And check out any of my other web albums. >^.=.^<


http://picasaweb.google.com/KrauseRW

Kink Test

I'm Blue? Wow...and I kinda held back when I answered this, I'm much kinkier than I thought. Of course when it comes to getting down to buissnes, I'll hold back untill someone gives me a little push.

Your result for The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test...

Blue (450 nm)

You scored 61% self-confidence and 54% bandwidth!

Wow! You have quite a big repertoire when it comes to kinky sex. And you're probably also willing to play on either side of the fence. You should look for another Blue, or an Ultraviolet if you want to broaden your horizon. Greens may be okay as well but will probably bore you after a while. Reds are too vanilla for you.

But I promised you a more detailed analysis, so here it is. Note that most scales are twofold: There are separate values for giving (active) and receiving (passive). If you scored high on one of them, you should look for a partner who scored high on the other. If you scored high on both of them, go for someone who is similar (or for multiple partners if you're into that). If you scored low on both, this probably is not your kind of kink.

You scored 80% giving and 77% receiving on oral.

You scored 67% giving and 90% receiving on anal.

You scored 15% giving and 14% receiving on bondage.

You scored 48% giving and 33% receiving on humiliation.

You scored 44% giving and 45% receiving on pain.

You scored 55% dominance and 50% submission.

You scored 63% voyeurism and 36% exhibitionism.

Besides that, you're 13% into fetishism and 68% polysexual (i.e. interested in sex with multiple partners, whether at the same time or not). You'll probably want a partner who is similar, whether you scored high or low in these categories.

Finally, you scored 33% on autoerotic - a scale that measures your ability and/or willingness to have kinky fun without a partner. It's not exactly a matching criterion, but it's good for you if your score is high. Keep it up!

Take The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test at HelloQuizzy

Who Cares

It's not a question in this particular case, just a title...I know that there are many who care, though they don't show it on the outside...on the inside, I can feel it. I just wish some would stop bottling what they really feel about others because of how they would look if they expressed these feelings outwardly. But I guess I'm not one to talk since I keep to myself most of the time, worried about how other will take the true me...but, being put into situations where I have to show my true self, most people don't care or already knew. Most people, like myself, beat themselves up inside worrying how other will react to the truth and the truth is most people either don't care or are fine with it no matter what...because, you are you...just because you tell them a piece of the puzzle doesn't change the overall picture, you. Those who care about you will look past the little things, even if they disagree with them and see that's what made you...you.

People spend to much time looking at the small things without realizing that there's more...now, I'm not saying you should stop looking at the small things, not at all...just realize that it's all part of something larger than one can really understand. For example, love...a seemingly simple expression yet complex emotion. People have fought and died in the name of love...and others have tried to stop it because they feared of what might happen. Romeo and Juliet, star crossed lovers, did anything to be together even though nearly everyone was against it...but once it happened, did the fighting stop? Of course the families grieved, but for how long...no one has ever thought of that, of course that is just works of fiction. What about this real world...where two people are meant to be together but nearly everyone in the world is against it. I know it's late to be getting on my soap box about this, but I never really said anything about it...and I feel that I must.

People have been fighting for their rights since the beginning, since one found something different about another and said this is the rules for us and the rules for them...because they don't deserve the same, for whatever reason. Sex, gender, race, religion, color, creed, views, orientation...what-have-you...whatever they could use to say, they're different and so should their rules. Everyone has had their movement and has gained their ground in equality; from America's movement away from Britain, slaves movement to freedom, then away from segregation, women moved to the right to vote, then towards equal pay and such...of course there are more, farther back and many sprinkled in between...another like LGTBQ fight against discrimination to the current struggle...a family. Why is it that any group has had to fight the hardest for things that seem like a no brainer?

I speak now because I know this will effect me, and others I know, very soon down the road...and I will be on the front lines fighting for something that I thought didn't need explaining. The fight against us saying that they need to preserve the sanctity of marriage, that they're doing it for the children (theirs and ours), so that children can grow up in a traditional family or what-have-you...since when has any family been traditional, since when has marriage been sanctified, since when has anything a large group of strangers done, for "the good of the children", ever been that good for the children? Nowadays people can get hitched on a whim just about anywhere really and get divorced for the most trivial thing, whether or not there are children involved! Parents, who shouldn't even be called that, are saying "fuck them, what about me?"...I'm sorry, I don't see where these nay sayers get off saying we'll destroy family values when there's not much left in the first place. Devoices, single parents, fatherless or motherless children...and even the kids that have both parents that are still together, well even then they usually don't get the attention that they need, they act out, and there's trouble, staring us in the face again. I don't want to keep going on, because I could...forever and ever...but I'll leave you with a word from Mr. Olbermann after Prop 8 came through.

The Dragon Cryed Today...

It wasn't the on that I've been waiting for, where everything catches up to me; the emotions, the actions, the events, the people that have been building up for nearly fifteen years, and then they all come crashing down upon me from past, present and future. No, it wasn't that kind of crying...but it's a start.

I've just been putting up with so many things and have done my best to not be effected by them...to shrug them off when need be, or just ignore them. I know it's not good to bottle things up inside...it does terrible things to you physically and emotionally, but I had no other way aside from bottling them, shelving them, and dealing with them at another time. One of those bottles broke today...it was a small one, and a good one..in a sense.

Things have happened in the past few days, and even weeks, that I have no real control over and can't really be explained...but they happen and I hurt because of them. A death of a great man that I did not know and the flow of emotions that followed in his wake...I felt the sorrow of many that week, and still do, from some I knew but many that I have never met. This isn't the first time I have felt the sorrow of those who morn...but this is one of few out of many that I could not ignore. I made an attempt to morn with those who knew him best, to actually meet the people who tears I felt...but I was told nay, I didn't not know him...why should I be there amongst those who did...that cut me to the core, and that scar will be with me till I pass and turn to dust.

I did my best to bottle those many emotions, very few mine, and set them aside while I tried to deal with my personal life at hand. I presented the visit of my mate this next month to my mother...I was suspecting that she wouldn't be thrilled, but Fortuna smiled upon me that day not once but twice. She later told me that she told her husband that night...a good man, but I wasn't sure how he would react given his upbringings. A church goer, right-minded republican, with all the trimmings and such...don't get me wrong, like I said, he's a good man...funny, respectful, and a joy to be around. Seems like I struck a good chord with him, because he didn't seem to have any trouble with my mate coming to visit...in fact, he couldn't wait to meet him.

That lifted so much weight off my shoulders...but there was more to come the next day, Tuesday. I called my older brother up to see what was going down this week, he was suppose to come out that day...our sister following a few days later, to take a friend in town out for a little birthday party. He was delayed because, (in his own words) I got this girl I need to holler at for a minute, I'll be there next Thursday. He asked how I was doing, how things were at home...and with my mate. I told my brother that he was planing a trip out at the beginning of April...and to my surprise, my brother said he and our sister would try to make it out that weekend so they could meet him. I knew he always gave a half a thought about me from time to time...but I didn't know he cared so much.

Earlier today, I went over the past weeks events with my counselor (whatever you wish to call him)...and I found myself in tiers about this as I recalled it to him. This is the first time in at least fifteen year that I've cried about anything let alone something as little as this. But with pleasure comes pain...Monday night I broke a promise, something that I near to never do. Something that might compromise, not only the visit, but my relationship...and maybe even my life. There is no worry, I will not do something irrational...but I might become unattached from this world, even more so than I am now. I just hope that my mate can forgive me...it was the first time in my life that I've ever regretted doing something. But by doing what I did, I might have destroyed the first thing that has made me feel human...and have lost the first and only person that I love, care, and would do anything, even die, for. I have felt the pain of many through my life...but his is the only one that makes me hurt like it's my own...and I haven't emotionally felt much of anything for at least fifteen year.

Secrets and Lies

I hate keeping secrets, no matter what the circumstances...they almost always hurt someone in some way, and I do not, in any way, shape or form, like to hurt people. Even more so when the secrets have to do with me, I'll do this for you as long as you don't say it to who-n-who...~sighs~ lies are even worse. If someone asks me if I know anything, and I do, but I told the other someone that I wouldn't say anything...well, seems like I'm in the middle of a fuck sandwich right there and all I can do is keep quite. That's just terrible...and so, as of now, for all to hear...I am no longer keeping any new secrets nor will I lie to cover you're ass. I will however not blurt anything out that I still know...I just encourage you that know I know, to come clean to those who it effects and don't know.

Of course, humans aren't humans with out error...I hate when I contradict myself, especially on my moral ground rules. I have kept my own secrets, told my own lies to cover myself...but, how can anyone trust me then if I can't even tell the truth to myself? There aren't many though, that I can tell you is truth...small ones that I know are bigger to others than to me. Like with sex...I've done my best since I promised my love that I would stop, of course saying that I just fucked myself...but this is about coming clean...fuck what happens to me, I really don't care that much. Maybe if I put it into better terms...now, I wouldn't call myself a sexaholic, but I do enjoy it, it does take the edge off and yes it is addictive in a sense...but I'm not an addict. Now a counter point, smoking...you can be addicted, but you can always ease yourself off...you might slip up here and there while trying to quit the habit. But, some do enjoy it, it does take the edge off, and even if you're trying to stop for good, this habit, sometimes you just really need just one every day, every other day, every week, once a month....whatever.

Coming back to my point, I use to go out and see people to get my mack on every week or so, a few times a month...and I've tried to quit cold turkey and that really doesn't work. To do nothing, or just jerk, or even just stick to a toy...no, I got something I need when it was with people and to just stop made me a wreck! Yeah, I made a promise and I hate to brake promises just as much as secrets and lies...that's why I'm putting this out there, not only for everyone to see but for a certain someone to see as well. I can't do this to him, I love him so damn much...this is the guy that I want to spend forever with and I never want to keep anything from him now nor ever. Unfortunately, now that I said this I might have just jeopardized my happiness and the trip he and I were planing for him to come out to Chicago and meet my family and friends...there's even a chance he'll just brake the whole thing off. If either of these things are true...well, I don't think anyone will be hearing from me for quite awhile...mm, it's kinda difficult to live with only half a heart.

In conclusion...if you want to tell me a secret, please don't...just think of how it would effect the person it concerns and try to come clean....it's the best move for everyone. This is not to say I can't be trusted...I just don't want to hold information that would hurt someone I knew and cared for, that's all. As for the comparison...I really hope you got what I was trying to say honey, but you know how I am when it comes to saying things, I hesitate waiting for the right moment to say everything (which never comes). I really hope this doesn't effect the trip...and if it does, well...I don't know what to say except that I understand, other than that...I'm sure I won't be saying anything to anyone for who knows how long. Please try to understand where I'm coming from though and forgive me...compared to before, I've done so much better, and I can guarantee that this won't continue when I'm out with you...forever. ~<3

~SIGHS~

This Dragon is getting tiered of the same-old, same-old...not just in what I do, but in what others do that effect my life. I'm here with a smile on my face, seemingly unfazed by what happens...but no one seems to care what lies under the mask. Like this past event, sure I didn't know him and I might have only seen and/or talked to him once or twice but I was still connected, through stories and people. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again, I'm an empathetic beast...even if I don't know why I can sense when others are happy, sad, strung-out, etc. That leaves me all torn between my feelings and others, I might not show it (and it might sound corny) but I hurt when you hurt. I don't have to be close to you, we might've not seen or talked to each other in months, but I can feel the highs....and, even more so, the lows.

Last week was just no good for not only me but many, because of one reckless person the world was a little more empty. The hearts of many sank shortly following the event as news spread...and mine sank with every one that it hit...which made me feel even worse that I didn't really know him. Fast forward to this past weekend...should I go, no...well, maybe...it might make me feel better about it. See the person for the first and last time...see the majority of the people that knew him, the lives that he touched. See the reason I was feeling so heart heavy...and instead of just catching passing emotions, be in the center of them all...maybe that would've done it for me. I would finally have an emotional overload...and after over ten years I would be able to let it all go...finally drop this stoic guise, and just cry.

That's right, I haven't cried in over ten year...even when I really wanted to...when I really needed to, it just never happens. Sure, I might have gotten a little teary eyed over the year...but it was only due to my super mystery allergen, or because I just choked on something...but I haven't really cried. I've only had one death in my family of someone I actually knew...someone I cared for and loved, and I wished I could've went out to Ireland for my grandfathers funeral. I might have been able to let it all out there...but, no...people convinced me that it wasn't for me, so I didn't go...and I didn't get that chance. Again, this past weekend, here I am, emotionally charged not only from myself but by everyone else...and I was convinced...no, this isn't for me, it's not the place or the time....and I'm left to stew in the sea of others emotions...my mask sealed on tight.

One day something will happen, not to me...but someone else, and there emotional downturn will push me over the edge and I'll just brake down and I'll have no clue why, except that something just happened to someone else. I just don't want to be stuck in breakdown mode when it happens...unable to stop crying, unable to feel anything else than that one last thing. Now normally I'm not depressed and I do my best not to be such, no matter what I can always see the brighter side of things in even the darkest times...but that's just me, when you add other peoples emotions into the mix, it's hard not to feel a little down when someone feels hopeless and trapped, and you feel what they feel. But, what's happened has happened, not saying it happened for a reason just that you can't change it...the only thing you have control over is right now and where it might take you to.

All I ask is that you don't feel sorry for me, the empathy magnet doesn't need you to empathise with him...but just understand what I feel, why I feel it, and how I deal with it. I might not know why you're sad or down, but I do know how bad you feel and I'll do my best to make you feel better...not just for my own benefit, but for yours as well, because the truth is...no mater who you are, where you're from, what happened in the past, and how others treat or perceive you...I really do care. >^.=.^<

100+ Things About Me

You're supposed to pass this on, but I don't really care if you do or not. Tag 15 people.

LAST:


1. Beverage→ Dr. Pepper


2. Phone call→ The IATSE Work Hall (no work today. Damn!)


3. Text message→ Zac (such a sweetie)


4. Song you listened to→ something by Postal Service


5. Time you cried→ I haven't cried since I was 6yrs old, for no apparent reason, & I haven't cried since then even if I want and try to (guess my body just doesn't like it).




HAVE YOU EVER:


1. Dated someone twice → I would have to say yes, though I can't remember who & when. >~.=.~<


2. Been cheated on? By definition, no...but from someone else's perspective, yes.


3. Kissed someone & regretted it? No, I never regret anything.


4. Lost someone special?→ There have been many losses in my life, not as much as others, but the one that hit me the hardest was my dog Harley >y.=.y< (our landlady forced us to find someone to take him...she didn't like him when he barked).


5. Been depressed?→ Yes, but sometimes there's no real reason for it.




LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:


1. Green


2. Red


3. Black


4. Purple




HAVE YOU:


1. Made new friends→ Yes, but not as many as one would think.


2. Fallen out of love→ No, I just realized that I'm just less "in love" with one and/or more "in love" with someone else.


3. Laughed until you cried→ Yes & no, I should have cried but didn't.


4. Met someone who changed you→ Yes, but I don't want to embrace them.


5. Found out who your true friends were→ All my friends are true & blue. >^.=.^<


6. Found out someone was talking about you→ Yes, though I don't mind...as long as it's not negative.


7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ Yes, I'm sure I have.


8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life→ Just about everyone...there have only just recently been people that I haven't a clue who they are.


9. How many kids do you want to have→ One, maybe two...


10. Do you have any pets→ One dog...he's out with my boi-o.


11. Do you want to change your name→ Though it's not the best, I can live with it, so no.


12. What did you do for your last birthday→ Went to AC and met my boi-o


13. What time did you wake up today→ 9:45a


14. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Sleeping, and dreaming of my boi-o. >^.=.^<


15. Name something you CANNOT wait for→ To move in with my boi-o.


16. Last time you saw your father→ Right now, sleeping on the other couch.


17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ My current employment status (which is currently non-existent).


18. What are you listening to right now→ My dad ZEN mp3 player on shuffle, and the fish tank.


19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom→ Yes, when I do get through he gives me my work.


23. What's getting on your nerves right now?→ The distance between my and my boi-o


24. Most visited web page→ MySpace/FurAffinity/ZeroPunctuation/Fur-Piled/LightUpBox




1. What's your name→ Robert William Krause


2. Nicknames→ (BigBouncing)Bob [the Personality], William Heyer Yamagoshi (WHYtheDragon) [the Fur], ZedDeath (the GameGod) [the Gamer]


3. Relationship Status→ Ocupado/Taken/Not available/Look Elsewhere


4. Zodiac sign→ Cancer/Dragon


5. Male, female or transgendered→ Male


6. Elementary→ Queen of Angels/Pilgrim Lutheran School/Mary E. Courtenay Language Arts Center


7. Middle School/Jr. High → Lyman A. Budlong

8. High school→ Northside College Prep./Truman Middle College


10. Hair color→ Brown (But prefers it to be Green)


11. Long or short→ Short


16. Height→ 6'2"


17. Do you have a crush on someone?→ I have little crushes here and there...my boi-o gets jealous, but he has no worry, he's got my heart.


18: What do you like about yourself?→ My odd personality.


19. Piercings→ None, and would only consider getting one or two in my ears...but that's a big maybe.


20. Tattoos→ None at the moment, but I'm most certain that I'll get a kick-ass one soon enough.


21. Righty or lefty→ Primarily righty, but am ambidextrous

FIRSTS :


22. First surgery→ Tonsils and adenoids when I was five


23. First piercing→ None, but it would be one of my ears.


24. First TRUE best friend→ Michael-John...unfortunately I haven't heard from him in many-a-year.


26. First sport you joined→ Flag-Football in eighth grade.


27. First pet→ Harley, my mixed mutt dog back when I was four or five...he was the best dog ever!


28. First vacation→ Black Hills, South Dakota (was a rode trip with my brothers and father, what a crazy trip!)


29. First concert→ Jimmy Buffet (not my choice, but was surprised when I saw a fight brake out...those crazy Parrot Heads).


30. First crush→ Some girl named Cassy, like back in fourth grade.

RIGHT NOW:


49. Eating→ Nothing.


50. Drinking→ Nothing.


52. I'm about to→ Eat dinner.


53. Listening to→ ZEN mp3 player on shuffle (what will be next!?) and the fish tank.


55. Waiting for→ The day when I can be with my boi-o finally.

YOUR FUTURE :


58. Want kids? Perhaps...but that's in the far distant future.


59. Want to get married? Hells yeah!


60. Careers in mind? The only thing I can really see myself doing as a Career is being an IATSE StageHand.




WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX ONE YOU'RE WITH?


68. Lips or eyes→ Eyes


69. Hugs or kisses→ Kisses


70. Shorter or taller→ Shorter


71. Older or Younger→ Well, as long as they're not too young or too old, it's all good.


72. Romantic or spontaneous→ Spontaneously Romantic (even more than myself).


73. Nice stomach or nice arms→ Tummy!


74. Sensitive or loud→ Sensitive.


77. Trouble maker or hesitant→ A nice mix that counter balances my Hesitant-Trouble making.




HAVE YOU EVER :


78. Kissed a stranger→ Indeed


79. Had a one night stand→ I wouldn't say so...though many would say, yes.


80. Lost glasses/contacts→ Yes...my sunglasses! Ahh! I'm blind(ed)!


81. Sex on first date→ Yeah, but it's not like that's a bad thing.


82. Broken someone's heart→ I sure hope not, I would feel so awful if I did and would want to know what I could do to make it up to them.


83. Had your own heart broken→ I wish it were so easy...but my hide is thick.


85. Been arrested→ Never!


86. Turned someone down→ Yes


87. Cried when someone died→ No...but I wish I could...it sure would have made me feel better sooner.


88. Liked a friend that is a boy? Yes! In fact, I've done more than just liked them...but I won't go there, my boi-o might kill me.




DO YOU BELIEVE IN:


89. Yourself→ Yes, but I'm always in debate about it.


90. Miracles→ Kinda, they're more of statistical anomalies to me.


91. Love at first sight→ Indeed.


92. Heaven→ Something of the sort...but definitely not the way most see it as.


93. Santa Clause→ Of Course!!!! >^.=.^<


95. Kiss on the first date?→ Yes, but only if it's not forced.


96. Angels→ Something of the sort, but with light there is darkness...but I am comfy with both sides.




ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:


97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?→ Indeed, but he is states away...and I'd give anything to be with him right now.


98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?→ Yes...one of each, that was a strange time for me.


98. Do you believe in God.→ I believe everyone is/has there own god/entity/deity, and it's within there power to change there life for the better or worse.


99. Am doing this because I was tagged?→ Nope...though I was tagged, it's more because I'm board as hell.


100. Post as 100 truths.→ Never!!!

Mr. Love

So the day of love went well, though I myself were not present my darling love got all gooshy and heart-struck when he got my little gift package. I know it's a little cheesy, roses and chocolates...but not as much when those are some of his favorite things, of course yours truly is on the top of the list. But cut roses are overdone and only last so long, but a mini rose plant will last as long as it's taken care of. As for the chocolates, it wasn't my uncles fancy home-made gourmet chocolets this time (unfortunately he had to stop that little business, he couldn't keep up with the orders), but an over sized Hershy Kiss.

After melting in my ear for about two hours, I started to wounder...what wonderful things would have happened if I was there. All I do know is that he and I would have been even more overjoyed and hyper than we were. The point is, I want this to be the last time I missed something like that or anything along the line...even just the regular days, because you never know when the special ones will come along and get cha.

It seems that I have a problem

Well, as issues go it's not the worst...but, like most, it sometimes gets in the way of things. Yes, I am a dataphile...I love data, information, software, hardware...anything and everything, and it's starting to get worse. I'm starting to get picky about quality...for example, I have started recopying my CD collection all 250 albums...without researching file formats. Before I never heard of lossless, or even lossy...but now that I know I can't help myself but re-recopy them all into FLAC (Free Lossless Audio Codex).

After hours of research I have concluded that FLAC is where it's at...and not just 'cause that's what other people say. I've actually listened to my hi-rip MP3 192kb/s, uber hi-rip MP3 300+kb/s and my lossless FLAC files, and though there is only a small difference...I can still tell. FLAC is where it's at, exact audio copy, just like listening to the original CD. To me, it is just that much better and makes all the difference...whether I'm jammin' to my rock or jumpin' to my rap or just mellowin' out to my world and meditation, it feels like I'm sitting right there listening to a privet concert.

The question is, how does one rip and play FLAC...well there are only a few options and Apple really isn't one of them, but if there's a will there's a way. To rip Cd's into FLAC one can not rely on iTunes since it seems apple only made the FLAC plug-in for the mac, and that's only to read the format. But they're on the right track, they have even made there own lossless format ALAC (Apple Lossless Audio Codex)...the only problem with that is it's Apple Restricted, only Apple products can understand this strange language. So to rip I stuck by Winamp...though, looking into MediaMonkey and trying it out a bit, it was just too much stuff (even for me)...I blame the GUI.

But once you have to awesomely crystal clear lossless FLAC files, how do you play these jewels on portable players...none of them support FLAC at the moment, right? Wrong! Rockbox is the key to my lossless audio woes and as a bonus there are so many bits of awesomeness than even I know what to do with. Of course I've had Rockbox on my iPod for over a year now and trust me, it does everything you want you're iPod to do and then some. It's not limited just to iPod either, there are versions for many media players out on the market...maybe even one for you!

Of course it sounds like I'm just an audiophile, but let me tell you it's the same thing with ever thing else. Sure I'll get a cheap-o copy of a file from a torrent site but I'm always looking to get an even better copy. Games, Music, Videos, Pictures, Books, PDF's, and yes...even porn. It's all good, even if I don't look at it, listen to it, read it, watch it play it, or jerk to it all the time...but if I ever have a yearning for that one thing, isn't it good to have it than to not?

Life in the limbo lane...(not a low as you think, but it sure is close)

Here I am again...just sitting around, doin' a whole lot of nothing...though there is plenty I should or need to do, I don't have the modivation or drive to do so. I know the what, the how, even the where, but I don't have anything other than that. It's like building a swing set in the middle of the desert; I have the parts, the instructions, and the tools...but why the hell would I build a swingset in the middle of the desert. For some reason I lack the momentum to help myself...and so I always try and help out other, where and when I can.

I know the problem, I just have no clue what the solution might be...there are no goals in my life, short or long distant, there are none. Sure I have partial goals here and there, day-to-day...and yes I dream of various futures that would be nice to have happened, but yet there's a disconect and they never become stable, beliveable goals. Of course I know it's because I think to much about it...starting off, painting the goal with a broad brush, and go in to fill in the details with smaller, finer brushes. It never works out though, I make one stroke with the smaller brushes and I fined that it just doesn't work, but I give it a chance...I'll go back and clean it up later. Then a few more strokes...nope, I was wrong, time to start over.

It's all the little details that I worry about...that's why I'm never good with holidays (though I love to travle)...it's the, "what will I do when I get there" part...I could never travle alone. But this isn't a holiday, this is life...and even though there are people all around me to help me out, I need to make the first step. Oh, but there are so many chosies...to stay in Chicago, to leave Chicago. It seems when I think with my head...when I think of what I want to do for a living, Chicago (though not the only place) is where I'm at and where my kind of work is. But when I think heart...where and who I want to be with, I think of Morgantown...I think of Yuki. I stop thinking of me, and start thinking of him.

The argument could equally be made for the both of us: I have friends and family here, he has them there. He has good work out there, I (though curently unemployed) have decent work that will get even better in a short period of time. He has a place, I am curently working on a place of my own (but I'll get there). The thing is, when I think of the trade off...well, it seems I lose everything while he only loses the friends and family. It's Chicago, there's has to be something close to what he does that pays just the same (or better). Where as Morgantown, there's not a theater in sight...and if there is, I'm sure they have everyone they need (though I'm sure they haven't even heard of a WholeHog2 WYSIWYG Lighting board).

So with it all painstakingly writen out in plain English, with all the t's crossed and i's dotted...where dose that leave me? I've basicly told him all this and...well, I'm left standing on one foot in the middle of a tug-o-war....Love vs. Career. Can't I have both? I'm sure there is (another) answer (aside from him moving out here). But as of now, I still see nothing in the terms of advancement...and I'm scared that I'll either be stuck in a behind-a-counter sevice (food or retail) or I'll be an even bigger lump than I am here. Even here I can atleast call in everyday and (with some luck) get a hundred dollar day...or (with even more luck) a fivehundred dollar night.

But so far, Laddy Fortuna has continualy paddled me with her rudder (not as hot as one might think). Day after day my life heads down a new branch of a dark river while I'm blind folded, and instead of venturing into the unknown, like some brave soles do, I do my best to find a river bank and wait out the darkness. Is it the cowards way out...mm, maybe...but I rather wait and know the posible ends to the path then follow it blindly till I reach the waterfall at the end.

X-Box Live

Yeah, I caved...

I think too damn much...

That's all I really do, no matter what...think, think, think, THINK! I should really stop...cause even though I think of a lot of possibilities of how things will play out, I usually don't think of how they actually play out. That's why I always hesitate so damn much about what I do...is it the right thing to do, if I hold out will something better turn out, or is this the best I can do. It's not that I'm trying to do what's best for me either, I just don't want to disturb or upset anyone with what I do...or don't do.

Thinking of what I need to do...the list is endless, mainly because I don't have one thing that most people have when they think about the future...a goal. I am goal-less, and I don't know what to do or say about the future...so instead of thinking of what to do to accomplish my goal, I think about what I have to do that has the best possible turn out in the end.

There have been to distinct possibilities for me in the future, stay here...or move away. All I really been thinking about is how I could make the first work out for all parties involved. I have spared a few cycles to the whole moving out of here...but every time I try to figure out the basics, what I would do once I got there and such, I draw a complete blank. I try and think of some possibilities that I think about for here...but they all seem less appetizing than here every time I run it through my mind.

So my current position is; here I am in Chicago, and what a great place it is, I know this place inside and out...friends that, even though I don't see 'em much, I can willy-nilly if plans work out. Even though currently I'm not working, there is plenty of work here for me to do, and same with school. If I get motivated to go learn something, I have to think about which school I want to learn it from. Even though my dad and brother is a big minus, my mom and baby bro is a big plus.

That's the possibilities that I have here, now door number two; out in Morgantown, WV...which is also a great place, aside from the whole walking up a mountain and then walking down a mountain, I've been there enough that I can find my way around. Both his friends and family have taken a shine to me...that's always a big plus, but of course I'd be leaving everyone here, aside from a visit here and there. Work-wise, I haven't a clue what I would do...I couldn't do what I do out here (though it's very infrequent here, at least it's something). I'm terrible with normal jobs, that's why I haven't got one yet...I hate repetitiveness and the same-old, same-old. School wise, there are two out there, they have a few programs that might interest me...but, I don't know.

I guess the fact of the matter is, there's just too many unknowns for me out there...of course it's not like I have to make a decision now, but I don't want to leave it hang for to long either. My heart says yes, but my instinct says it'd be better if I stay put. Life (though not overly hard in it's complexities) sucks (in it's over simplistic choices). I just need a sign...or a hint...something that could point me in the best possible direction...

The Year Anew...

Time to start over again, wipe the slate clean, forgive and forget...and most important, set goals for yourself. Things that troubled you this past year and have decided to make the change by next year...that's enough time, right? A whole year is descent enough deadline for anyone to do just about anything...but it seems that no one ever completes their list from the previous year, so I uess even a year to improve ones self isn't enough for some.

I don't think I ever set a list for myself last year, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to jot it out and try and make some serious progress. A lot has happened to me this year and yet there is so much I still have to do to make any of my gains this year count for anything in the next. But I can't set the goal too high or I might just give up early in the game. I think that to set goals to reach by the end of an entire year is silly...the dead line is so far that by the time you realize that the end is nearing, it's too late. Six months is a more reasonable end date, to at least check to make sure one's made progress on said goals. Besides, six moths brings me to my birthday...what a wonderful day to renew one's resolutions.

So, what might these goals be...look for yourself.

1. Blog more frequently, finish...and actually post them (before they become irrelevant).


2. Finish the pack-up and be ready to move (whenever the old man gets a place).


3. Get a par time before the thaw (my usual gigs are scarce during these times).


4. Get my license before summer (I got places to go that is out of the RTAs reach).


5. Work out more (I need to loose this gut).


6. Make plans for the big two one (even though Las Vegas sounds nice, my dad will be there and it will suck...and I might just kick his ass, just for shits and giggles).


7. Get myself situated so that by June it will be clear which move would be the best (him out here or me out there).


8. Once it is figured who is moving where...start making plans to figure out when and how (we just need to get through this in one smooth well planned action).


9. Make progress and refresh and revise this list the week before my B-day (the weeks to follow will be blurry and mushy).

That's just about does it though...and now, time to start this new year.

>^.=.^<