Secrets and Lies

I hate keeping secrets, no matter what the circumstances...they almost always hurt someone in some way, and I do not, in any way, shape or form, like to hurt people. Even more so when the secrets have to do with me, I'll do this for you as long as you don't say it to who-n-who...~sighs~ lies are even worse. If someone asks me if I know anything, and I do, but I told the other someone that I wouldn't say anything...well, seems like I'm in the middle of a fuck sandwich right there and all I can do is keep quite. That's just terrible...and so, as of now, for all to hear...I am no longer keeping any new secrets nor will I lie to cover you're ass. I will however not blurt anything out that I still know...I just encourage you that know I know, to come clean to those who it effects and don't know.

Of course, humans aren't humans with out error...I hate when I contradict myself, especially on my moral ground rules. I have kept my own secrets, told my own lies to cover myself...but, how can anyone trust me then if I can't even tell the truth to myself? There aren't many though, that I can tell you is truth...small ones that I know are bigger to others than to me. Like with sex...I've done my best since I promised my love that I would stop, of course saying that I just fucked myself...but this is about coming clean...fuck what happens to me, I really don't care that much. Maybe if I put it into better terms...now, I wouldn't call myself a sexaholic, but I do enjoy it, it does take the edge off and yes it is addictive in a sense...but I'm not an addict. Now a counter point, smoking...you can be addicted, but you can always ease yourself off...you might slip up here and there while trying to quit the habit. But, some do enjoy it, it does take the edge off, and even if you're trying to stop for good, this habit, sometimes you just really need just one every day, every other day, every week, once a month....whatever.

Coming back to my point, I use to go out and see people to get my mack on every week or so, a few times a month...and I've tried to quit cold turkey and that really doesn't work. To do nothing, or just jerk, or even just stick to a toy...no, I got something I need when it was with people and to just stop made me a wreck! Yeah, I made a promise and I hate to brake promises just as much as secrets and lies...that's why I'm putting this out there, not only for everyone to see but for a certain someone to see as well. I can't do this to him, I love him so damn much...this is the guy that I want to spend forever with and I never want to keep anything from him now nor ever. Unfortunately, now that I said this I might have just jeopardized my happiness and the trip he and I were planing for him to come out to Chicago and meet my family and friends...there's even a chance he'll just brake the whole thing off. If either of these things are true...well, I don't think anyone will be hearing from me for quite awhile...mm, it's kinda difficult to live with only half a heart.

In conclusion...if you want to tell me a secret, please don't...just think of how it would effect the person it concerns and try to come clean....it's the best move for everyone. This is not to say I can't be trusted...I just don't want to hold information that would hurt someone I knew and cared for, that's all. As for the comparison...I really hope you got what I was trying to say honey, but you know how I am when it comes to saying things, I hesitate waiting for the right moment to say everything (which never comes). I really hope this doesn't effect the trip...and if it does, well...I don't know what to say except that I understand, other than that...I'm sure I won't be saying anything to anyone for who knows how long. Please try to understand where I'm coming from though and forgive me...compared to before, I've done so much better, and I can guarantee that this won't continue when I'm out with you...forever. ~<3