The Dragon Cryed Today...

It wasn't the on that I've been waiting for, where everything catches up to me; the emotions, the actions, the events, the people that have been building up for nearly fifteen years, and then they all come crashing down upon me from past, present and future. No, it wasn't that kind of crying...but it's a start.

I've just been putting up with so many things and have done my best to not be effected by them...to shrug them off when need be, or just ignore them. I know it's not good to bottle things up inside...it does terrible things to you physically and emotionally, but I had no other way aside from bottling them, shelving them, and dealing with them at another time. One of those bottles broke today...it was a small one, and a good one..in a sense.

Things have happened in the past few days, and even weeks, that I have no real control over and can't really be explained...but they happen and I hurt because of them. A death of a great man that I did not know and the flow of emotions that followed in his wake...I felt the sorrow of many that week, and still do, from some I knew but many that I have never met. This isn't the first time I have felt the sorrow of those who morn...but this is one of few out of many that I could not ignore. I made an attempt to morn with those who knew him best, to actually meet the people who tears I felt...but I was told nay, I didn't not know him...why should I be there amongst those who did...that cut me to the core, and that scar will be with me till I pass and turn to dust.

I did my best to bottle those many emotions, very few mine, and set them aside while I tried to deal with my personal life at hand. I presented the visit of my mate this next month to my mother...I was suspecting that she wouldn't be thrilled, but Fortuna smiled upon me that day not once but twice. She later told me that she told her husband that night...a good man, but I wasn't sure how he would react given his upbringings. A church goer, right-minded republican, with all the trimmings and such...don't get me wrong, like I said, he's a good man...funny, respectful, and a joy to be around. Seems like I struck a good chord with him, because he didn't seem to have any trouble with my mate coming to visit...in fact, he couldn't wait to meet him.

That lifted so much weight off my shoulders...but there was more to come the next day, Tuesday. I called my older brother up to see what was going down this week, he was suppose to come out that day...our sister following a few days later, to take a friend in town out for a little birthday party. He was delayed because, (in his own words) I got this girl I need to holler at for a minute, I'll be there next Thursday. He asked how I was doing, how things were at home...and with my mate. I told my brother that he was planing a trip out at the beginning of April...and to my surprise, my brother said he and our sister would try to make it out that weekend so they could meet him. I knew he always gave a half a thought about me from time to time...but I didn't know he cared so much.

Earlier today, I went over the past weeks events with my counselor (whatever you wish to call him)...and I found myself in tiers about this as I recalled it to him. This is the first time in at least fifteen year that I've cried about anything let alone something as little as this. But with pleasure comes pain...Monday night I broke a promise, something that I near to never do. Something that might compromise, not only the visit, but my relationship...and maybe even my life. There is no worry, I will not do something irrational...but I might become unattached from this world, even more so than I am now. I just hope that my mate can forgive me...it was the first time in my life that I've ever regretted doing something. But by doing what I did, I might have destroyed the first thing that has made me feel human...and have lost the first and only person that I love, care, and would do anything, even die, for. I have felt the pain of many through my life...but his is the only one that makes me hurt like it's my own...and I haven't emotionally felt much of anything for at least fifteen year.