~SIGHS~

This Dragon is getting tiered of the same-old, same-old...not just in what I do, but in what others do that effect my life. I'm here with a smile on my face, seemingly unfazed by what happens...but no one seems to care what lies under the mask. Like this past event, sure I didn't know him and I might have only seen and/or talked to him once or twice but I was still connected, through stories and people. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again, I'm an empathetic beast...even if I don't know why I can sense when others are happy, sad, strung-out, etc. That leaves me all torn between my feelings and others, I might not show it (and it might sound corny) but I hurt when you hurt. I don't have to be close to you, we might've not seen or talked to each other in months, but I can feel the highs....and, even more so, the lows.

Last week was just no good for not only me but many, because of one reckless person the world was a little more empty. The hearts of many sank shortly following the event as news spread...and mine sank with every one that it hit...which made me feel even worse that I didn't really know him. Fast forward to this past weekend...should I go, no...well, maybe...it might make me feel better about it. See the person for the first and last time...see the majority of the people that knew him, the lives that he touched. See the reason I was feeling so heart heavy...and instead of just catching passing emotions, be in the center of them all...maybe that would've done it for me. I would finally have an emotional overload...and after over ten years I would be able to let it all go...finally drop this stoic guise, and just cry.

That's right, I haven't cried in over ten year...even when I really wanted to...when I really needed to, it just never happens. Sure, I might have gotten a little teary eyed over the year...but it was only due to my super mystery allergen, or because I just choked on something...but I haven't really cried. I've only had one death in my family of someone I actually knew...someone I cared for and loved, and I wished I could've went out to Ireland for my grandfathers funeral. I might have been able to let it all out there...but, no...people convinced me that it wasn't for me, so I didn't go...and I didn't get that chance. Again, this past weekend, here I am, emotionally charged not only from myself but by everyone else...and I was convinced...no, this isn't for me, it's not the place or the time....and I'm left to stew in the sea of others emotions...my mask sealed on tight.

One day something will happen, not to me...but someone else, and there emotional downturn will push me over the edge and I'll just brake down and I'll have no clue why, except that something just happened to someone else. I just don't want to be stuck in breakdown mode when it happens...unable to stop crying, unable to feel anything else than that one last thing. Now normally I'm not depressed and I do my best not to be such, no matter what I can always see the brighter side of things in even the darkest times...but that's just me, when you add other peoples emotions into the mix, it's hard not to feel a little down when someone feels hopeless and trapped, and you feel what they feel. But, what's happened has happened, not saying it happened for a reason just that you can't change it...the only thing you have control over is right now and where it might take you to.

All I ask is that you don't feel sorry for me, the empathy magnet doesn't need you to empathise with him...but just understand what I feel, why I feel it, and how I deal with it. I might not know why you're sad or down, but I do know how bad you feel and I'll do my best to make you feel better...not just for my own benefit, but for yours as well, because the truth is...no mater who you are, where you're from, what happened in the past, and how others treat or perceive you...I really do care. >^.=.^<