The Dragon Cryed Today...

It wasn't the on that I've been waiting for, where everything catches up to me; the emotions, the actions, the events, the people that have been building up for nearly fifteen years, and then they all come crashing down upon me from past, present and future. No, it wasn't that kind of crying...but it's a start.

I've just been putting up with so many things and have done my best to not be effected by them...to shrug them off when need be, or just ignore them. I know it's not good to bottle things up inside...it does terrible things to you physically and emotionally, but I had no other way aside from bottling them, shelving them, and dealing with them at another time. One of those bottles broke today...it was a small one, and a good one..in a sense.

Things have happened in the past few days, and even weeks, that I have no real control over and can't really be explained...but they happen and I hurt because of them. A death of a great man that I did not know and the flow of emotions that followed in his wake...I felt the sorrow of many that week, and still do, from some I knew but many that I have never met. This isn't the first time I have felt the sorrow of those who morn...but this is one of few out of many that I could not ignore. I made an attempt to morn with those who knew him best, to actually meet the people who tears I felt...but I was told nay, I didn't not know him...why should I be there amongst those who did...that cut me to the core, and that scar will be with me till I pass and turn to dust.

I did my best to bottle those many emotions, very few mine, and set them aside while I tried to deal with my personal life at hand. I presented the visit of my mate this next month to my mother...I was suspecting that she wouldn't be thrilled, but Fortuna smiled upon me that day not once but twice. She later told me that she told her husband that night...a good man, but I wasn't sure how he would react given his upbringings. A church goer, right-minded republican, with all the trimmings and such...don't get me wrong, like I said, he's a good man...funny, respectful, and a joy to be around. Seems like I struck a good chord with him, because he didn't seem to have any trouble with my mate coming to visit...in fact, he couldn't wait to meet him.

That lifted so much weight off my shoulders...but there was more to come the next day, Tuesday. I called my older brother up to see what was going down this week, he was suppose to come out that day...our sister following a few days later, to take a friend in town out for a little birthday party. He was delayed because, (in his own words) I got this girl I need to holler at for a minute, I'll be there next Thursday. He asked how I was doing, how things were at home...and with my mate. I told my brother that he was planing a trip out at the beginning of April...and to my surprise, my brother said he and our sister would try to make it out that weekend so they could meet him. I knew he always gave a half a thought about me from time to time...but I didn't know he cared so much.

Earlier today, I went over the past weeks events with my counselor (whatever you wish to call him)...and I found myself in tiers about this as I recalled it to him. This is the first time in at least fifteen year that I've cried about anything let alone something as little as this. But with pleasure comes pain...Monday night I broke a promise, something that I near to never do. Something that might compromise, not only the visit, but my relationship...and maybe even my life. There is no worry, I will not do something irrational...but I might become unattached from this world, even more so than I am now. I just hope that my mate can forgive me...it was the first time in my life that I've ever regretted doing something. But by doing what I did, I might have destroyed the first thing that has made me feel human...and have lost the first and only person that I love, care, and would do anything, even die, for. I have felt the pain of many through my life...but his is the only one that makes me hurt like it's my own...and I haven't emotionally felt much of anything for at least fifteen year.

Secrets and Lies

I hate keeping secrets, no matter what the circumstances...they almost always hurt someone in some way, and I do not, in any way, shape or form, like to hurt people. Even more so when the secrets have to do with me, I'll do this for you as long as you don't say it to who-n-who...~sighs~ lies are even worse. If someone asks me if I know anything, and I do, but I told the other someone that I wouldn't say anything...well, seems like I'm in the middle of a fuck sandwich right there and all I can do is keep quite. That's just terrible...and so, as of now, for all to hear...I am no longer keeping any new secrets nor will I lie to cover you're ass. I will however not blurt anything out that I still know...I just encourage you that know I know, to come clean to those who it effects and don't know.

Of course, humans aren't humans with out error...I hate when I contradict myself, especially on my moral ground rules. I have kept my own secrets, told my own lies to cover myself...but, how can anyone trust me then if I can't even tell the truth to myself? There aren't many though, that I can tell you is truth...small ones that I know are bigger to others than to me. Like with sex...I've done my best since I promised my love that I would stop, of course saying that I just fucked myself...but this is about coming clean...fuck what happens to me, I really don't care that much. Maybe if I put it into better terms...now, I wouldn't call myself a sexaholic, but I do enjoy it, it does take the edge off and yes it is addictive in a sense...but I'm not an addict. Now a counter point, smoking...you can be addicted, but you can always ease yourself off...you might slip up here and there while trying to quit the habit. But, some do enjoy it, it does take the edge off, and even if you're trying to stop for good, this habit, sometimes you just really need just one every day, every other day, every week, once a month....whatever.

Coming back to my point, I use to go out and see people to get my mack on every week or so, a few times a month...and I've tried to quit cold turkey and that really doesn't work. To do nothing, or just jerk, or even just stick to a toy...no, I got something I need when it was with people and to just stop made me a wreck! Yeah, I made a promise and I hate to brake promises just as much as secrets and lies...that's why I'm putting this out there, not only for everyone to see but for a certain someone to see as well. I can't do this to him, I love him so damn much...this is the guy that I want to spend forever with and I never want to keep anything from him now nor ever. Unfortunately, now that I said this I might have just jeopardized my happiness and the trip he and I were planing for him to come out to Chicago and meet my family and friends...there's even a chance he'll just brake the whole thing off. If either of these things are true...well, I don't think anyone will be hearing from me for quite awhile...mm, it's kinda difficult to live with only half a heart.

In conclusion...if you want to tell me a secret, please don't...just think of how it would effect the person it concerns and try to come clean....it's the best move for everyone. This is not to say I can't be trusted...I just don't want to hold information that would hurt someone I knew and cared for, that's all. As for the comparison...I really hope you got what I was trying to say honey, but you know how I am when it comes to saying things, I hesitate waiting for the right moment to say everything (which never comes). I really hope this doesn't effect the trip...and if it does, well...I don't know what to say except that I understand, other than that...I'm sure I won't be saying anything to anyone for who knows how long. Please try to understand where I'm coming from though and forgive me...compared to before, I've done so much better, and I can guarantee that this won't continue when I'm out with you...forever. ~<3