I think too damn much...

That's all I really do, no matter what...think, think, think, THINK! I should really stop...cause even though I think of a lot of possibilities of how things will play out, I usually don't think of how they actually play out. That's why I always hesitate so damn much about what I do...is it the right thing to do, if I hold out will something better turn out, or is this the best I can do. It's not that I'm trying to do what's best for me either, I just don't want to disturb or upset anyone with what I do...or don't do.

Thinking of what I need to do...the list is endless, mainly because I don't have one thing that most people have when they think about the future...a goal. I am goal-less, and I don't know what to do or say about the future...so instead of thinking of what to do to accomplish my goal, I think about what I have to do that has the best possible turn out in the end.

There have been to distinct possibilities for me in the future, stay here...or move away. All I really been thinking about is how I could make the first work out for all parties involved. I have spared a few cycles to the whole moving out of here...but every time I try to figure out the basics, what I would do once I got there and such, I draw a complete blank. I try and think of some possibilities that I think about for here...but they all seem less appetizing than here every time I run it through my mind.

So my current position is; here I am in Chicago, and what a great place it is, I know this place inside and out...friends that, even though I don't see 'em much, I can willy-nilly if plans work out. Even though currently I'm not working, there is plenty of work here for me to do, and same with school. If I get motivated to go learn something, I have to think about which school I want to learn it from. Even though my dad and brother is a big minus, my mom and baby bro is a big plus.

That's the possibilities that I have here, now door number two; out in Morgantown, WV...which is also a great place, aside from the whole walking up a mountain and then walking down a mountain, I've been there enough that I can find my way around. Both his friends and family have taken a shine to me...that's always a big plus, but of course I'd be leaving everyone here, aside from a visit here and there. Work-wise, I haven't a clue what I would do...I couldn't do what I do out here (though it's very infrequent here, at least it's something). I'm terrible with normal jobs, that's why I haven't got one yet...I hate repetitiveness and the same-old, same-old. School wise, there are two out there, they have a few programs that might interest me...but, I don't know.

I guess the fact of the matter is, there's just too many unknowns for me out there...of course it's not like I have to make a decision now, but I don't want to leave it hang for to long either. My heart says yes, but my instinct says it'd be better if I stay put. Life (though not overly hard in it's complexities) sucks (in it's over simplistic choices). I just need a sign...or a hint...something that could point me in the best possible direction...

so...i made it, but lacked a conection >..<

So, shortly after my little freak-out at the bus station I, calmed the fuck down and, was able to rearrange both busses to the next day...for no charge. I called my Gran in town to pic me up since my sis and her mom were at work and my bro was off to training for the weekend. I decided to stay over there for the night since here place was literally down the street from the bus. Got some sleep since I had been up the night before packing my shit to catch the bus I missed.

So I finally hit up the bus early Friday morning...it was a little crowded, but I don't mind that at all. Being from Chicago, I'm use to riding on a bus or train squished between three people...this time it was only one and a wall, quite comfy. A stop here a stop there, we were only forty minuets off schedule by the time we got to Pittsburgh...and that's fine by me. I found the next bus, hopped on...and was finally on my way to see my darling. Things got a little cockeyed once I was in the city though. Apparently there are two stops for the bus in Morgantown, one at it's headquarters...the other at the bus depot. Guess what...I got off at the wrong stop. >..<

It was kinda crappy since the web-site doesn't mention that there are two stops...and which on is which. But it was ok...I was at least in the city, and there was a local bus that dropped me off at the depot. From there it was a matter of following google maps! Taking a few wrong turns due to some oddly angling intersections and a few missing street signs, I got to a certain spot and called my baby up and asked him the best way from where I was. Unknown to both of us, I was standing in front of his place at the time of the call, so the instructions he gave me were quite confusing.

Let me tell you this, Morgantown, West Virginia is not a place you want to get lost in...not because the streets are dangerous, oh no! It's because the streets are so fecking steep!!! I walked up, and down...and up again...and almost down once more where I stopped halfway and said, "Wait one minute!". I decided to ignore the directions for they were getting me no where except closer to a hospital for exhaustion. I began to look at the numbers like any sensible person would do...and I saw them jump. That's just strange...well, I found that in between the two numbers there were a set of stairs, with no numbers, to a house, with no front door.

I now completely knew what he was talking about...it just kinda irked me that, I passed this house FOUR TIMES!!! >..< Meh, it's all good...I headed towards the back and up another set of stairs to find one of his room mates in the living room chillin'. Good thing too, cause the b/f didn't get off work for another two hours. But, it was worth the wait...basically the whole theme of this trip. Through all the waiting, the trouble, the tight spots I've gotten into...they've all been worth it to finally be with someone who truly loves me...even if he just started a new job and has to work every day. Oh-well.

--


>^.=.^<

stuck in a hole - for now

well, all was well and going to plan...I left last Friday from Chicago to Toledo, staying the week with my brother and sister. A little partying, a little chilling, a little watching the baby niece...and here it is, Thursday morning. I should be on a bus right now heading to Pittsburgh!!! The station opened at five in the morning, the bus left at five fifteen...I got there at four and the station was locked up tight and dark, so i chilled in the parking lot in the front. An hour later the lights popped on, it was five-five...I packed the few things i had to amuse me for the time and walked to the front...only to find the doors were locked!!! I jogged around back to find that my bus was about to leave...and I still hadn't claimed my ticket! I get inside, where a couple just approached the desk...I ask if i could go ahead, since my bus was about to leave. But, NOOOOOO!!!1!! The clerk already started with them...I was freaking out my friends, FREAKING! The bus pulled away just as they got there tickets...I went up to the clerk, and it literally too five seconds to print my ticket...my pre-paid ticket!...my pre-paid ticket for a bus that just left ten seconds ago!!!! I was PISSED...I still am pissed. So, here I am...stuck in Toledo, Ohio for the time being...till I can figure what to do, with a useless ticket...and another bus that i can't catch, since I HAD to catch the first one out! My b/f doing his best to keep me calm...but it's so hard with all this crap going on. I want to see him...I can't wait to see him...but I wanted my plan to work out...which it hasn't. Now, it hasn't failed, it's just gone so horribly astray. I might be able to catch the next bus from here to Pitts at eleven fifty...which gets there at six...and the only bus from Pitts to Morgantown leaves at two! FOUR HOURS AGO!!! I might be able to try this again tomorrow if I can convince the other bus company to shift the day...for another ticket i already bought! But no matter what, I have to pay at least fifteen bucks to change the ticket from Toledo to Pittsburgh from the one I missed to any other date. I'm just so pissed...I almost cried! The bus was literally next to me as i stood in line to get the ticket to get on it...I watched it pull away. That was the worst part...if I missed it before hand...and it was already gone, maybe not so much freaking out on my part. BUT I WAS THERE FOR AN HOUR BEFORE HAND!!!

For the Swarm, For the Hoard, For SPARTA!!!...no, for me... V..V

Here I am, got no direction at the moment...just drifting, living, and not really enjoying any of it. I want to do something in my life, I want to move on in any direction...but here I be, stuck in the mud. With any directing better than where I am now, here...sinking, feeling nothing except for brief periods when I am around people I enjoy and love. For the remainder, here I am...at home, with my younger brother, who has started school again, and my father, who has started yet another job. They are both off during the day, which is nice because then i don't have to see them for the majority of the time...but, I'm still here and being with them...they just such the essence out of me. All my will is dashed away the moment they enter the door...I just don't want to be around them anymore, twenty years is enough for me.

I want to find my way, and I think I've found a solution...I am leaving. now I know what ya might think..."where are you going to go?", well, I know it's not the best solution but I'm off to West Virginia. It's nothing permanent though, I know...there's nothing really out there, well...I wouldn't say nothing, he's out there...waiting for me. I just need to be close to him for a while, near him...to hold him, and tell him everything will be fine. I won't be doing nothing now, I'm going to do what I can to find work out there...earn a little something to get by on and to get back on. I'll come back of course, I'm not going to miss MFF after all the hubbub I've made and the wait I went through to go to it.

I know I need to plan it out just a tad more than I have at this time, but I believe it's the best thing to do for me...to try and make it on my own, kinda, but mainly to get away form the old man and the twat. But the plan so far is, going out to the burbs this weekend, finish working things out on my end next week, then off to my bro's place in Ohio...and afterwords, him. From then there are two weeks till October, and the first weekend is the BBQ I told him I'd go to anyways...guess I won't have to worry about getting there since I should already be. As for the remainder, the rest of the month will pass by...and by then I should be certain about many things. Whether or not that was the wisest move, If being away from the terrible two will do me any good or if I'm just a feck up all the time and it's just convenient to blame them. The biggest of them all...but least I worry about is, if him and I are truly meant to be...of course everything feels right, the signs say yes, but you never truly know until you ask the question and give it enough time to answer back. Well, I guess it's time to give a shout out to the caverns of life...and just wait for it to give a holler back.

--Peace!

How Am I? ~Chuckels~ Well...

A step in my shoes is like the weight of the world, except the world is a tiny ass pebble that's big enough to annoy you but small enough you don't want to do anything until you foot is raw and bleeding. To me, life ain't no thing, but that might be the problem, I just glide on by to the next day with out even thinking twice. I do my best not to stand out, but I don't want to fade away...I try not to dwell in the past, but I try and learn from my mistakes. I am the forever existing void...the null-living...I exist for that one reason, to exist. Life gets so pointless when you know there's nothing to it...but not pointless enough that I would try and speed up the inevitable. (Yes I just hinted at my suicidal thoughts that brood in me, but, like the rest of my thoughts...will never amount to anything)

Sometimes I just get tired of it, the nothingness...the void...people say I should do something, anything...and it's not like I don't say the same thing. I want to do something...anything to kill the boredom, the wait...till, the end...but even then, nothingness. I drown quietly in my own sorrow of, not even failure...one would have to at least try once to fail...I don't even get that far. Some wonder why...why all this sorrow in someone who, normally you would think would be happy and such. One who is provided, not the best but adequate conditions to be brought up in...everything provided, nothing to worry about...just sit over there and do your one thing. School, school...SCHOOL! Sure, what ever...I never cared that much, well...I wouldn't say that. I liked learning and shit, but the applying part...never my bit. Course, when ever I showed interests in things...no one ever paid attention. It was more of, "good for you, look at what you've found interest in. let's see where you go with that," and then...poof, gone...like I'm a ghost. A kid can only take so much till he feels...just, nothing for anything anymore.

Sure, here I am now...when I'm with people, I play it like there's nothing going on...though there are the few that feel there is. I just don't feel like killing the mood with my sob story all the time. I've gotten over it, time and time again...I can do it just one more time. I share what I need to with those who really want to know, but the rest of the time...let me just have what fun I can. I know what some of you keep saying, "why don't you do somethin, just move" or "get on with your life, you don't need him" and I feel you, I do. I just hate that man, yes...I'm saying it loud for the masses, I HATE MY MOTHER F-KING FATHER!!! He seems to be the source of all my pain...I mean, sure he's done a lot for me since forever, but the negative out weighs the positive...and not just the big things here and there, it's the piles and piles of little things too! If you met him the first time you would be all, "oh, he's not that bad at all. He's fun and stuff and everything." but after just a few more visits you will turn. You'll turn like the few friends I did chance and bring over to hang out...and the you shall see what I have seen for two decades!

Of course I can't blame it completely on him...it was his upbringing that made him that way. No really, ask him...he'll tell you the same exact thing. But yes, even I can't hold it against the man I hate and despise...who I whish would say that one, more, thing...that will just...push me over the, edge...and ~snap~ STOMP HIS ASS TO A PULP! But with all silliness aside, you all know that I would never do that...I just can't, no matter how much he does to agitate me, no matter how much I brood over all that he's done...I just couldn't. It's not in my nature to do so...to do any ill will or harm to anyone, unless they need it...to teach them a lesson, about how to treat people with respect and such...or at least not stomp there ass if they cross you line. Ya know what I'm saying?

I guess I could just say, "for get this bull," and slide my finger to the delete button, but I won't. Thing's need to be said...out there, I actually don't care who reads it all. If you show some interest, well...good for you. Ya know, you've always had a heart...and you lion, you've always been brave deep down inside. No matter what crap I've been through, I never bring it to the table...that's why I'm almost always a pleasant person to be with and around. There's just too much drama in the world already, I'm not going to make it someone else's problem, I can deal with it my self...I just need an out put of some sort (kind of like this) or else I'll be up all night (kind of like now) not being able to sleep because of having to deal with him...again, day after day.

But other than that...I'm doing just fine and dandy, how 'bout you? ^..^

--

Peace Out! I/O

Up To Now

Well, well, well...it's been quite awhile, but HEY! I'm still alive, that counts for something, eh? Well, even so there's not much to talk about just catch-up stuff since the last post, other than that it's been quite bland, unexciting, disappointing, and most of all boring! So, the same old, same old. So last time i kinda lashed out, well it's expected in the kinda life I live and every now and then I just have to let lose somehow, but it can be assured that I did not do anything rash. I can keep my cool under pressure of every intensity, but let's stop that and get the ball rolling.

Let me just say that this year, the school year that is, was a complete waste of time. For some bizarre reason i thought i could make it through another year at Northside, complete my supper senior year there and blow that Popsicle stand. Oh, FUCK NO...as expected I blew the first half right out of the watter, but some how i got away with two half credits. But even with that I said, 'Fuck this', and got myself out of there...but do not fret, i set myself up at Truman. Gona push myself through this program and, get this...I'm still going to get a Northside diploma, don't know how but I'm not going around asking questions. So, yeah...I'll be out of there by June, probably take a little time off then...WORK, all day and night till I fall over!

So now going back a little bit, finally went to my first Furry Convention...well it was nice, had a few people there that I knew that made it what it was, and again I thank them for that. But all around, I truly dig it all and hopefully I'll be heading to many, many more. In other news, I've been finding more and more furry friends...though I only see them every now and then, I always have a great time! Every now and then things get exciting, and that's always good...but it's always nice just to be around 'em, they just re-energizes me and I LOVE IT!

And so, in the time to come, I'll be kicking myself into gear about the whole school thing...if I'm going to be doing anything anytime soon I need to get that diploma. After that, for the summer at least, I'm gona be working my ass off with my brother pulling in as much scratch as we can. When Autumn comes, who knows...I might still be in Chi-Town working or hittin' up the College scene, or moving out to Ohio with my bro-ham doing the College thing. Or even moving out to West Virginia to bunk with my mate, figure things out there...school?..work?..who knows?

Well that's what be with me, Up To Now! I'll catch you all on the flip side,
Peace Out! I/O

B.

----------------
Now playing: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood (rmix)
via FoxyTunes

Brake Down - Freak Out! That's Me...

OK So This Is How It Goes....I Talk, You Listen. It Works For Me, It'll Work For You...Hopefully. Well...that's not how i wanted it to go, all I need is a peaceful place ware I can post my mind out on the net...why? Well I've been askin' myself the same thing for quite awhile...all I came up with is that cause I'm not much of a talker, the only way for me to be heard is to type what i say, and i really don't care what i say or who reads it. If you have, good for you...now you know a little bit more about me. If you don't, feck off...I never said I needed you anyways. So lets start with the basics...although i already posted and you might have already pieced something together your self, I'm goin' to shatter that image.

Lets first start of with this page...not what i really want but close enough, I'll go with the flow. On the left the posts and such, on the right the nave, Yahoo! avatar, a MeeBo IM window (talk to me when I'm on) and the Frapper Map (something new I'm trying out). Below that it's all crap! OK that's My Blog Spot...Now I also have a web page, on a free host (what you think I'm made of money?!) check it out some time http://g.iasphost.com/gamegod246 yeah it's a little odd and a piece of shite site but I'm workin on something better as we speak....when I'll be done who knows.

Enough of that shit...now it's my turn:
- I'm currently 18 (19 in June)
- was born June 1988 in Washington dc and moved around for the first few years of my life with my folks.
- i now reside in Chicago, IL been here 16-17 years, it's an OK place but it's boring as shit on a stick! I really want to got out of this hell-hole, too many memories and so-forth...blehg!
- moved around bout 5 times since i got here, but never really left the general area of Lincoln square.
- still in HS but I'm not complaining...some sweet digs i got here at Northside.
- I'm a very techie guy...i could never go a week without online access and a month with out an actual computer.
- I'm Bi...just a fact nothing made it happen or caused it, i wasn't born that way it's just that i have a general liking of everyone; race, creed, color or sex. though i do see why some hate a particular feature, i don't see why they think everyone of that particular feature is exactly the same.
- I'm also single, currently...though I'm not really looking for someone at the moment i do like being around others that i could get into...intellectually and so-on.
- the majority of movies and songs are quite good...though I myself am getting quite tired of the American remakes, formulaic plots and mushy happy endings. as for songs everything is in my favour minus death metal, grunge, most resent country and reggaeton.
- I have a very creative spark...i love to make things, especially for others....happiness of other is nice.
- I've been getting into stage-hand stuff...creating sets, lighting sceams and sound...boarding..? anything that i can put myself into and leave a little piece of me with it.
- on that note, i like to write; poems, stories, songs, characters, etc. well i rarely write them down but i do like thinking them all up. i like how art can be so general and basic yet at the same time mean something bigger then itself.
- I am an open minded person...but even so i can only take so much of somthing before i get tired of hearing it over and over...and when i go and shut you down on somthing don't come sayin' i thought you were an open minded person, hipocit! ...no that's not it, i'm open to things i haven't experienced or don't know much of...but i can still have my own opinion...and if you come trying to chance it...bam!
- i'm not a religious person...at all, don't get me wrong but i'll respect your belifes but just about every religion i know of, and others i don't, are always after the same thing and promis the same thing...yet they always fight...and every time i look into one religion i find out that it's like that one wich is like this one...and so-on. just leave me out of the mess, i'll do my own thing.
- i have a few things that i'm realy into...books, music, IM, and furries...now if you don't know what a furry is you could google it or somthing, if you do..good for you! so my main and most used fursona is William Yamagoshi he's a blood red dragon, sage green hair, cristal blue eyes, bout 7' 3", no horns, has some shape shifting abilities (like changing size, adding and removing wings basic stuff), handy with any kinda weapon and a fire breather (of cource).
- there is one last thing that i will share with y'all... i do have a small case of mpd (multipul personality disorder) they help me deal with the crap i put up with all there years. curently none have taken over or anything like that...but a few of them scare me. i know what they think about and it's not pritty...william is one of the, at first i thought he was kinda like me..but not even close. he's been slowly taking over the others one by one...now i don't know all of them, or how meny there are but i can feel them vanish and more of him every day. it's quite odd...


oh well that's it...well, for now. i really can't think about it much anymore, it's the end of this post...bye bye, so long, fare well...and so-on!

Peace Out I/O

relationship...me? yes, no, maybe so.....on again, off again...back on?

ok so here i am putting my heart out for all...anyone needing a little somthing i'll help to my best, need an ear, anything, anything at all....unless you pissed me off! yeah i like to help others, i could never see myself doin it profesionaly or anything...just a drifting hobby you could say... or would you? anywho...so it was me and basicly me for quite awhile, i had my other personalities to keep me company, and i always had a few friends here and there....but then i get into a relationship...well that was quite awile ago. i'm not geting into details but my first real life relationship started around october...it was a nice gye i met up on myspace. now i know your not supose to do that and such but hay fuck off ok? so yeah me and him went out for a bit, and for some strange reason i didn't try to find out more about him, like i do all my online friends, before i really get into the relationship...and so we drifted, well thats what i thought. yeah so i broke up with him last saturday, oh and right before V-day....yikes! ok now that was bad of me...but hay it get worse...wel in the end anyways, ok so i got into my second relationship...she was a nice girl, it was somthing i never expected, right out of the blue. she came up about half way through november and said 'hay, so you wana go out', i said sure....what a block head. i didn't know she was into me like that...aparently she had a crush on me the year before but never spoke up...she was a freshman...only 16 as of this year. yeah...me, 18...big dif there...well leagaly...yeah know. but i was cool with it, i never thought it would get heavy and deep...oh so wrong. seems that's what she was into....well i just went with it...so cool, i thought...wrong again. we both had our own things before and after school...so no time to spend in the relationship. so yeah we both decided to break that off last wednesday....hay now i feel yeah. right before v-day still...and this was right before school started...her bad, but i was cool with it. so yeah, me in two relationships at the same time on either side of the line...oh you it you haven't figured this out i'm strait up bi. anywho...i was hopin i did the right thing...well i think it was for the best...yeah, i might be better off now...well not cocky like that. ok so me and one of my online friends is starting to get a little deep...he want me to be his boyfriend. i'm not sure if i'm ready for another relationship so soon but this one, he makes me feel nice inside...well still i'm not so sure. i've been trying to get over to him, he's in CA, but so far nothing...welli don't know about you but i'm feeling this blog/rant die down...well that was quite good....and two in one day. a new personal record!!! yeah...woot-woot! haahaa yeah...

new, and all that...the way i like it!

oh so i've been a little out there for...well, i'm not sure. i started this blog to do what most people do on blogs....yah know, post about there lives, and those people in it. yeah, i think i can do that! just one by one....take it day by day, do a little bitching here and there...then i can have the other kinds of posts whare i point out the obviouse, the neat, the cool...all that jazz. oh yeah did i mention the misspellings...every whare, now there might be a spell check at the top of the page but hay that makes it less me. i liked to feal rushed and under the pressure and i don't want to think over what i already wrote as i watch the bot crawl over my work, telling me what's what. no i'm not going to take that kind of abuse!! now here i am i click back a forth through meebo, myspace and blogger as somthing new happens every second i'm online. i wan't to try and stop the madness....but the thought of not knowin what's happening at that vary moent....it kills me. well just a bit...here and there, i liger about the page sklrawling my life on the web for all to see! what, dose that make me better or worse that you can find out everything you need to know with one click and then shove it in my face like some sort of fool. maybe i just don't care anny more...so what if i didn't get that job or got fired from that one if i hated that guy or that company and posted it up here or there.....code flings from left to right a div a src a img a:link and sofourth....fuck off! i controle the code and just let it be know nothing dose what it wants because the admin wants it, remeber i controle the code. it dose what i want it to do, because i skrawle it. now go get and be gone before i ban you from what i call my domain....

(now imangin that i'm yellin my lungs out)

My Head...Oh The Pain!

So you want to know me, eh? Well that's to bad...mainly 'cause I don't even know me so, yeah...you can see the problem. Well there's not much to me...curently 18 and I'm in two relationships with a wonderfull gall, Melissa, and lovely fella, Lance. Well, well, well...I think I'm in over my head, split between my two lovers and my family...oh and school too...I just don't know whare to find the time for all of them. Oh, then there's the holidays...talk about time and money, stuff I'm in short of and will never have a well amount for this kinda stuff. Well I think that's good for now...