How Am I? ~Chuckels~ Well...

A step in my shoes is like the weight of the world, except the world is a tiny ass pebble that's big enough to annoy you but small enough you don't want to do anything until you foot is raw and bleeding. To me, life ain't no thing, but that might be the problem, I just glide on by to the next day with out even thinking twice. I do my best not to stand out, but I don't want to fade away...I try not to dwell in the past, but I try and learn from my mistakes. I am the forever existing void...the null-living...I exist for that one reason, to exist. Life gets so pointless when you know there's nothing to it...but not pointless enough that I would try and speed up the inevitable. (Yes I just hinted at my suicidal thoughts that brood in me, but, like the rest of my thoughts...will never amount to anything)

Sometimes I just get tired of it, the nothingness...the void...people say I should do something, anything...and it's not like I don't say the same thing. I want to do something...anything to kill the boredom, the wait...till, the end...but even then, nothingness. I drown quietly in my own sorrow of, not even failure...one would have to at least try once to fail...I don't even get that far. Some wonder why...why all this sorrow in someone who, normally you would think would be happy and such. One who is provided, not the best but adequate conditions to be brought up in...everything provided, nothing to worry about...just sit over there and do your one thing. School, school...SCHOOL! Sure, what ever...I never cared that much, well...I wouldn't say that. I liked learning and shit, but the applying part...never my bit. Course, when ever I showed interests in things...no one ever paid attention. It was more of, "good for you, look at what you've found interest in. let's see where you go with that," and then...poof, gone...like I'm a ghost. A kid can only take so much till he feels...just, nothing for anything anymore.

Sure, here I am now...when I'm with people, I play it like there's nothing going on...though there are the few that feel there is. I just don't feel like killing the mood with my sob story all the time. I've gotten over it, time and time again...I can do it just one more time. I share what I need to with those who really want to know, but the rest of the time...let me just have what fun I can. I know what some of you keep saying, "why don't you do somethin, just move" or "get on with your life, you don't need him" and I feel you, I do. I just hate that man, yes...I'm saying it loud for the masses, I HATE MY MOTHER F-KING FATHER!!! He seems to be the source of all my pain...I mean, sure he's done a lot for me since forever, but the negative out weighs the positive...and not just the big things here and there, it's the piles and piles of little things too! If you met him the first time you would be all, "oh, he's not that bad at all. He's fun and stuff and everything." but after just a few more visits you will turn. You'll turn like the few friends I did chance and bring over to hang out...and the you shall see what I have seen for two decades!

Of course I can't blame it completely on him...it was his upbringing that made him that way. No really, ask him...he'll tell you the same exact thing. But yes, even I can't hold it against the man I hate and despise...who I whish would say that one, more, thing...that will just...push me over the, edge...and ~snap~ STOMP HIS ASS TO A PULP! But with all silliness aside, you all know that I would never do that...I just can't, no matter how much he does to agitate me, no matter how much I brood over all that he's done...I just couldn't. It's not in my nature to do so...to do any ill will or harm to anyone, unless they need it...to teach them a lesson, about how to treat people with respect and such...or at least not stomp there ass if they cross you line. Ya know what I'm saying?

I guess I could just say, "for get this bull," and slide my finger to the delete button, but I won't. Thing's need to be said...out there, I actually don't care who reads it all. If you show some interest, well...good for you. Ya know, you've always had a heart...and you lion, you've always been brave deep down inside. No matter what crap I've been through, I never bring it to the table...that's why I'm almost always a pleasant person to be with and around. There's just too much drama in the world already, I'm not going to make it someone else's problem, I can deal with it my self...I just need an out put of some sort (kind of like this) or else I'll be up all night (kind of like now) not being able to sleep because of having to deal with him...again, day after day.

But other than that...I'm doing just fine and dandy, how 'bout you? ^..^

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Peace Out! I/O

IDHAFCWTDN!DYK?

So, once again...here I be, stuck in the mud...getting nowhere fast, just smoozing along...and I'm sick and tired of it, but what ever. V..V Some people, like myself, are just not motivated by anything...but it's not that we're lazy or anything, there's just a disconnect somewhere in the wiring. >..< size="1">[add dramatic echo here] "Laziest Person In The World", but even he calls me lazy. He said he was never motivated enough to do anything him self, and if he were to get anywhere in like there would have to be someone to tell him what to do; and so...he decided to join the Army.
I just said "No" right off the bat...no matter what, that is not the way...well, maybe after a few years with Obama, but during a war?!? Forget that! Mmm, but there has to be something about it that make people think it's the best move for me. Everyone keeps bringing it up, even my supper liberal Bobba [grandma] and aunt. I think I just need to find the right environment, and...zoom!...I'll be off like a rocket.
But, where I am now...erf, it just makes me depressed sometimes when I step back and look at my situation, and when I get depressed...forget it, I'm out for the day. Well...not completely out, there is one thing that will pull me out of the dumps no matter what. ^..^ An unexpected call from ~sighs~ HIM...~drools~. I speak of my one and only, Zack! I'm not sure if I brought him up in my previous posts, but...~blushes~ he's my boyfriend...well, that's more of a temporary title. Hopefully, sometime soon, there will be something a little more permanent...I just don't know which of us is going to make the move. I've planned out that moment, over and over...but, I be just a little too shy and cautious, but he seems to be more outgoing in all areas.
Well...I don't know, there's been a lot to think of on my end...not just with him, but with other things as well. School, work...just life in general, all just one big...Blah! I wish I had some better direction...not just motivation, I have so many things that would motivate anyone...it's just that final push that will set me off and that's it. If I could just get that push, I'd be set for life...and even the next...just a big Whoooosh...and I'm gone.

Another Step Complete

Well, got another brick in the wall secured in place...finally got the High School Diploma knocked out of the way, and it only took me five years to do it. (gerf) >..< Can't complain, but now it's the hard part...what now? No ones talked about it, well I mean there have been people who've given me a pitch...and I've heard them all, but what about em? This place, that place...who's accredited where...cost, programs. Maybe if I knew what i was doing, then I could worry about all that...but see, no ones ever helped in that area. I've got an idea, but I have no clue where to search or what program I need to do what I want to do. That's why I don't feel like doing anything in that area, I hate stabbing in the dark, maybe a little light would help...even just one itty-bitty candle would do wonders, ya know? But it seems that once you're out of sight...you're out of mind and all you got is you.
Just seems like a load of shit though...I know that I'm not easily motivated, but even the smallest nudge would get me going. But have i gotten that little bump on the rump...oh, no-no-no-no-no! In fact I've gotten quite a few smacks on the hands, "why haven't you done anything yet", "when are you going to do anything", "now what, eh"...and on, and on, and on. I can't take it...and it's not doing me any good! Sure I'll look into things every once in a while...but i have no idea what I'm looking for, or even at! It's like looking for the Holy Grail...when ya don't even know what the hell it is!....(oh, it a cup! fancy that...who would have guessed?...erm, now what?).
I start looking left but then it's, "oh they're not accredited!"...then i look right, "oh, they're a little expensive aren't they?"...then all of a sudden, "why did you stop looking into the first places?". Gee-bus!!!...and now I got these schools callin' me...(I know its not really them...I checked some box on some web site with out reading the whole thing [I do that a lot, I just make sure I'm not signing over my soul]...and it's just there auto dialer ringin' me through)...but to hear how they go after each other...damn! It's worse than politicians! If they're callin' me to get my money and teach me a thing or two...I'm all for it, but i just hate it when they dis the other guys. That is not the way to get my vote...ya talk about what you do, make some positive comparisons like, "we have more detailed classes to help you learn what you want better" not, "there classes suck and ours are cool"...which is basically what they say.
I don't know anymore...there are just too many factors that I would like to sift through, but i don't have time for. I'm afraid that I might make a quick move and fall into something I don't want to be part of. I just want to fined a place (or places) that will get me the starter stuff out of the way for cheap, and the area of interest done in a way that I'll actually remember it afterwards. ...and I don't want to really move from where I am, I like it here too much! Well that seems to be my little nub of life at the moment...till next time, Peace!