Who Cares

It's not a question in this particular case, just a title...I know that there are many who care, though they don't show it on the outside...on the inside, I can feel it. I just wish some would stop bottling what they really feel about others because of how they would look if they expressed these feelings outwardly. But I guess I'm not one to talk since I keep to myself most of the time, worried about how other will take the true me...but, being put into situations where I have to show my true self, most people don't care or already knew. Most people, like myself, beat themselves up inside worrying how other will react to the truth and the truth is most people either don't care or are fine with it no matter what...because, you are you...just because you tell them a piece of the puzzle doesn't change the overall picture, you. Those who care about you will look past the little things, even if they disagree with them and see that's what made you...you.

People spend to much time looking at the small things without realizing that there's more...now, I'm not saying you should stop looking at the small things, not at all...just realize that it's all part of something larger than one can really understand. For example, love...a seemingly simple expression yet complex emotion. People have fought and died in the name of love...and others have tried to stop it because they feared of what might happen. Romeo and Juliet, star crossed lovers, did anything to be together even though nearly everyone was against it...but once it happened, did the fighting stop? Of course the families grieved, but for how long...no one has ever thought of that, of course that is just works of fiction. What about this real world...where two people are meant to be together but nearly everyone in the world is against it. I know it's late to be getting on my soap box about this, but I never really said anything about it...and I feel that I must.

People have been fighting for their rights since the beginning, since one found something different about another and said this is the rules for us and the rules for them...because they don't deserve the same, for whatever reason. Sex, gender, race, religion, color, creed, views, orientation...what-have-you...whatever they could use to say, they're different and so should their rules. Everyone has had their movement and has gained their ground in equality; from America's movement away from Britain, slaves movement to freedom, then away from segregation, women moved to the right to vote, then towards equal pay and such...of course there are more, farther back and many sprinkled in between...another like LGTBQ fight against discrimination to the current struggle...a family. Why is it that any group has had to fight the hardest for things that seem like a no brainer?

I speak now because I know this will effect me, and others I know, very soon down the road...and I will be on the front lines fighting for something that I thought didn't need explaining. The fight against us saying that they need to preserve the sanctity of marriage, that they're doing it for the children (theirs and ours), so that children can grow up in a traditional family or what-have-you...since when has any family been traditional, since when has marriage been sanctified, since when has anything a large group of strangers done, for "the good of the children", ever been that good for the children? Nowadays people can get hitched on a whim just about anywhere really and get divorced for the most trivial thing, whether or not there are children involved! Parents, who shouldn't even be called that, are saying "fuck them, what about me?"...I'm sorry, I don't see where these nay sayers get off saying we'll destroy family values when there's not much left in the first place. Devoices, single parents, fatherless or motherless children...and even the kids that have both parents that are still together, well even then they usually don't get the attention that they need, they act out, and there's trouble, staring us in the face again. I don't want to keep going on, because I could...forever and ever...but I'll leave you with a word from Mr. Olbermann after Prop 8 came through.

The Dragon Cryed Today...

It wasn't the on that I've been waiting for, where everything catches up to me; the emotions, the actions, the events, the people that have been building up for nearly fifteen years, and then they all come crashing down upon me from past, present and future. No, it wasn't that kind of crying...but it's a start.

I've just been putting up with so many things and have done my best to not be effected by them...to shrug them off when need be, or just ignore them. I know it's not good to bottle things up inside...it does terrible things to you physically and emotionally, but I had no other way aside from bottling them, shelving them, and dealing with them at another time. One of those bottles broke today...it was a small one, and a good one..in a sense.

Things have happened in the past few days, and even weeks, that I have no real control over and can't really be explained...but they happen and I hurt because of them. A death of a great man that I did not know and the flow of emotions that followed in his wake...I felt the sorrow of many that week, and still do, from some I knew but many that I have never met. This isn't the first time I have felt the sorrow of those who morn...but this is one of few out of many that I could not ignore. I made an attempt to morn with those who knew him best, to actually meet the people who tears I felt...but I was told nay, I didn't not know him...why should I be there amongst those who did...that cut me to the core, and that scar will be with me till I pass and turn to dust.

I did my best to bottle those many emotions, very few mine, and set them aside while I tried to deal with my personal life at hand. I presented the visit of my mate this next month to my mother...I was suspecting that she wouldn't be thrilled, but Fortuna smiled upon me that day not once but twice. She later told me that she told her husband that night...a good man, but I wasn't sure how he would react given his upbringings. A church goer, right-minded republican, with all the trimmings and such...don't get me wrong, like I said, he's a good man...funny, respectful, and a joy to be around. Seems like I struck a good chord with him, because he didn't seem to have any trouble with my mate coming to visit...in fact, he couldn't wait to meet him.

That lifted so much weight off my shoulders...but there was more to come the next day, Tuesday. I called my older brother up to see what was going down this week, he was suppose to come out that day...our sister following a few days later, to take a friend in town out for a little birthday party. He was delayed because, (in his own words) I got this girl I need to holler at for a minute, I'll be there next Thursday. He asked how I was doing, how things were at home...and with my mate. I told my brother that he was planing a trip out at the beginning of April...and to my surprise, my brother said he and our sister would try to make it out that weekend so they could meet him. I knew he always gave a half a thought about me from time to time...but I didn't know he cared so much.

Earlier today, I went over the past weeks events with my counselor (whatever you wish to call him)...and I found myself in tiers about this as I recalled it to him. This is the first time in at least fifteen year that I've cried about anything let alone something as little as this. But with pleasure comes pain...Monday night I broke a promise, something that I near to never do. Something that might compromise, not only the visit, but my relationship...and maybe even my life. There is no worry, I will not do something irrational...but I might become unattached from this world, even more so than I am now. I just hope that my mate can forgive me...it was the first time in my life that I've ever regretted doing something. But by doing what I did, I might have destroyed the first thing that has made me feel human...and have lost the first and only person that I love, care, and would do anything, even die, for. I have felt the pain of many through my life...but his is the only one that makes me hurt like it's my own...and I haven't emotionally felt much of anything for at least fifteen year.

Secrets and Lies

I hate keeping secrets, no matter what the circumstances...they almost always hurt someone in some way, and I do not, in any way, shape or form, like to hurt people. Even more so when the secrets have to do with me, I'll do this for you as long as you don't say it to who-n-who...~sighs~ lies are even worse. If someone asks me if I know anything, and I do, but I told the other someone that I wouldn't say anything...well, seems like I'm in the middle of a fuck sandwich right there and all I can do is keep quite. That's just terrible...and so, as of now, for all to hear...I am no longer keeping any new secrets nor will I lie to cover you're ass. I will however not blurt anything out that I still know...I just encourage you that know I know, to come clean to those who it effects and don't know.

Of course, humans aren't humans with out error...I hate when I contradict myself, especially on my moral ground rules. I have kept my own secrets, told my own lies to cover myself...but, how can anyone trust me then if I can't even tell the truth to myself? There aren't many though, that I can tell you is truth...small ones that I know are bigger to others than to me. Like with sex...I've done my best since I promised my love that I would stop, of course saying that I just fucked myself...but this is about coming clean...fuck what happens to me, I really don't care that much. Maybe if I put it into better terms...now, I wouldn't call myself a sexaholic, but I do enjoy it, it does take the edge off and yes it is addictive in a sense...but I'm not an addict. Now a counter point, smoking...you can be addicted, but you can always ease yourself off...you might slip up here and there while trying to quit the habit. But, some do enjoy it, it does take the edge off, and even if you're trying to stop for good, this habit, sometimes you just really need just one every day, every other day, every week, once a month....whatever.

Coming back to my point, I use to go out and see people to get my mack on every week or so, a few times a month...and I've tried to quit cold turkey and that really doesn't work. To do nothing, or just jerk, or even just stick to a toy...no, I got something I need when it was with people and to just stop made me a wreck! Yeah, I made a promise and I hate to brake promises just as much as secrets and lies...that's why I'm putting this out there, not only for everyone to see but for a certain someone to see as well. I can't do this to him, I love him so damn much...this is the guy that I want to spend forever with and I never want to keep anything from him now nor ever. Unfortunately, now that I said this I might have just jeopardized my happiness and the trip he and I were planing for him to come out to Chicago and meet my family and friends...there's even a chance he'll just brake the whole thing off. If either of these things are true...well, I don't think anyone will be hearing from me for quite awhile...mm, it's kinda difficult to live with only half a heart.

In conclusion...if you want to tell me a secret, please don't...just think of how it would effect the person it concerns and try to come clean....it's the best move for everyone. This is not to say I can't be trusted...I just don't want to hold information that would hurt someone I knew and cared for, that's all. As for the comparison...I really hope you got what I was trying to say honey, but you know how I am when it comes to saying things, I hesitate waiting for the right moment to say everything (which never comes). I really hope this doesn't effect the trip...and if it does, well...I don't know what to say except that I understand, other than that...I'm sure I won't be saying anything to anyone for who knows how long. Please try to understand where I'm coming from though and forgive me...compared to before, I've done so much better, and I can guarantee that this won't continue when I'm out with you...forever. ~<3