Time To Sort It Out

So, yeah...from all the nice, there must be bad...and any simile there is linked to that (light-dark, good-evil, awesome-suck), but i never like clean cut left and right...I like the middle. Just chill right there where everyone gives me a sickly face telling me to pick a bloody side already, there's no point in dragging it on right in the middle cause everyone gets hurt to some degree...or, whatever. I like the middle...but I also like fairness, so don't try to bring up the "oh, but you voted democratic" bull-shit...any-who, it's not about the black man right now, it's about me...the Bi man!!! ~sighs~ Or so I thought...or, idk...I guess that's why I'm writing this up. What the Feck am I!!! >*.=.*<

Yar, so there were questions plowing through my head, not just this past weekend but for over a year now...am I really Bi? I found someone I willing to be with...but am I giving up an entire side of my identity by being with him? Now don't get me wrong, I love him...and I'll never stop loving him...but at the same time, it eats at me that I'll always be thrown into one side or the other no mater who I'm with. Is there a way I can maintain my sexual identity without jeopardizing my relationship? ~sighs~ This is the worse Catch-22 that I can think of...

As it has been stated by many, I am a very loving and pleasing person...which almost always leads to sex in the end. But...why? I do like it, but sometimes it seems that's all there is to some of my "friendships"...others, not so much. But it's not like one's better that the other...I like to be around people and interact with them, even if that interaction involves sex...it's because of the positive energy I get from the interactions. That's all I'm really after, the positive energy to counter balance all the negative I have to deal with.

But back to the whole, Bi thing...I guess I consider myself Bi because I have no problems with either side...there are pluses and minuses, but emotionally sex is sex. It gives me the same positive charge no mater who I'm with. Physically on the other hand...well, actually I don't like it...I like everything up to the sex itself, physically. So really I just get off to the positive emotional charge and the chemical release...that's the only thing that keeps me wanting more. But having a mate makes it hard, mainly because it's a long distance relationship...he understood that and let me be open, the catch...only with guys. I got why, but that didn't keep me from asking myself, would I really want to be with a girl again....I've only been with one before him, and it was ok.

Finding myself in an unlikely situation at MFF...I found myself testing that question. It was something I shouldn't have done, but I did it because I needed an answer before it was to late. The answer was...I still don't know! It was an interesting experience but it didn't really answer the damn question...am I Bi, or am I really just Gay and don't want to admit it?

Of course this brings up a whole slew of questions...but to sum them all up, are people born gay, bi or straight...do we chose, or is it decided by our environment? But...what is the true answer, or is there one...some say it's choice, others say it's genetics, and the rest say it's due to the events in there lives. I don't even wanna get religion involved, mainly cause that's not my ground to stand on and I don't wanna touch it. Icky!

I guess writing this helps some bit...but even then, I have no clue...I actually kinda want some input on this one if the few of ya who watch me would indulge me. Do I actually have an bi identity or am I running from the inevitable? IDK...I'm tired of asking with no one answering...or getting an answer that is just to shut me up. I know someone has to even have a half answer that would help me...anyone?

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The dragon in question,


WHY >y.=.y<

MFF - it was what it was

So...it's a few days after the whole shindig in good old Wheeling, IL...I had some fun times, but some shaky times as well. I kinda just wanted to party, hang out with friends and such, and yes...I wanted to get a little drunk too. But it seems someone had spread the word that I'm still 20 and I guess they wanted to wait till AC next year when I hit the big two-one in six months. But whatever, if they didn't want me to drink then they could have said so. It still would have been nice to hang out at parties with people I know and kinda know instead of feeling left out and lonely the first couple of nights basically staying in the room for the night. It's ok, that wasn't the worse part...but lets focus on the good first.

I did have a fun time, just being around furs...friends or not, suiters or not...all are welcome by the Dragon! I love being surrounded by furs!! I met people I've only talked to on line, some I've heard about and was interested to meet, and many I knew before hand. It was all gewd!! I can't wait to see ya all again, soon I hope too. On another note, I would like to shout out to all those I can remember, and since I have no clue how to work the tag code for LJ and the fact that I post this to my other blogs that don't have the same coding, I'll just use regular names.

Of course it was nice ta see Woody, but it was unfortunate that I wasn't available to help load and unload when he needed some muscle! ~flexes~ I'll make it work next year, I might even help out here and there, cause I know ya guys need it. Konran, or "Drake" as some might know him by, was oh such fun...though I am kinda sorry that I shadowed you almost the whole con. I really need someone to move around with or I'll have no clue what to do...there were a few times I just froze, overwhelmed with furs, I couldn't chose whether to talk to some kewl people or go to a panel. Any-who, 'twas all good for me...hope it was good for you my friend...Konran!

Off to a fun couple...two actually, but one at a time now ya hear! The first Shale and Xander, you two were a blast to hang out with...on and off the floor ~wink wink~. But seriously, watching you two in-suit interacting with people, now that was entertainment. Hit me up sometime and we'll try to work something to hang out and such. The next up to bat is the fox couple, Sable and Digit, who are new to the group and the whole furry experience. Again, twas a blast hanging with you two on and off the floor ~wink wink~...and I'm sure we'll meet again soon. To everyone else, I'd love to meet you all again and I hope to see you soon, if not, again next year. Also, to those who wanna see some awesome pics...I got 'em, but I haven't had a chance to upload them anywhere...oh-well. If I do, I'll try and remember to post a link at some point. Any-who, this has gone on long enough...

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The Dragon Says, Peace Out Y'all! >^.=.^<

Life is life, so what can one do but role the dice and take your turn...

Everyone wants to find the easy way out, the shortcut...or to go as far as to cheat. But in the end you always lose! Someone finds out, you get caught, and you usually have to do it all over again. It never changes, no matter what your age, location, sex, color, creed, orientation, or generation...the only thing that can possibly help you out is history. Learn from the past, even if it's not your own...take heed to all advice, even if it doesn't apply to you at that vary moment...at some point there is always a situation where that little piece of knowledge will come in handy. There are so many things to learn...but there are so many people that are either unwilling to teach, and even more people unwilling to listen! It's always pissed me off, but I guess I can't really say anything myself without being a hypocrite...who can't! I think that's the whole point...finally getting fed up with what stupid things one has done in the past, exploding about how stupid it was, and try to not do it again...but usually failing, and it starts all over again! Unless someone is completely dence, don't go off in there face about how they're a hypocrite, a flip-flopper...w'ever...as long as it seems they knew what they did and tried to change there ways, give 'em a second chance.

So, dose the whole last paragraph have a point to it...sure, I guess so...I some sort of round-a-bout way. But, I think I'm stuck in spin cycle...I've derailed, and I have no clue what the main point of this whole post was...but it doesn't mean it's not irrelevant. All of what I said before still applies and eventually I'll remember what I wanted to say.

I guess I'm trying to get at is...even with all this information one takes in during one's life, it's hard to actually sort it out in time to make sense of it all when you actually need it. I've learned that in certain situations, in the relationship area...in general that is, not just the romantic...it's best to leave well enough alone. One should be concerned, and aware...but not constantly poking and prodding to make sure every little detail is alright. Guess what! It never is!! As I have basically already stated, life sucks! ...Damn, where was I going with that again? Well, if I can't remember, I guess I could just rant about how my life particularly sucks at the moment...but I guess I also need to point out certain things about me first to better understand (like anyone really wants to). Most people who know me, who actually know me...know that I am an emotional person...not like I'm a flip the lid emo-boy over here. But I am basically an empathy sponge...if everyone is happy or partying, I'm balls-to-the-walls groovin'. Of course, if someone is worried, or sad, etc....I want to try and help best I can, make everything work out for the best, and so-on. But the point of all that was, I never know what I feel...I'm constantly getting bombarded with everyone else's emotions that mine have forever been drowned out. I never know what's best for me...but after all these years, it feels as if they're starting to speak up...and now, I don't know what to do with them.

I don't know anymore...right now all I know I want is to be with a certain someone, and try and make things work. It's just, blarg...am I too young to find true love? I wouldn't think so...love has no set time limit...it doesn't kick in after "X" amount of years...it just is. But at the same time...I've just started to try and find myself out these past few years. Five years ago I found the Furry fandom and knew that I always was one at heart, three years ago I came to terms that I was a Bisexual all my life, and two years ago I was introduced to someone I'll never stop thinking about and want to be with for all my years to come, and this past year I've slowly started to learn what it is that I want (in life, in love, in bed). That's a lot in such a short time and I still want to learn more about me...but, as life moves on I find myself running into catch-22's. To learn more about myself, I like to spend time with others; hanging out, partying, playing...even messing around in bed. But with me being in a relationship...well, it makes him feel uncomfortable that I'm so open with everyone, at first he said he didn't mind but I knew he did. I knew he had been in past open relationships that went bad and that me wanting one made him think that ours would go bad. Even though I've only been in a few relationships before hand, it's what I've learned from others...it's not the relationship itself that goes bad, it's the people. In his past experiences,the other always took advantage of the open status, meaning there were set rules and they asked for exceptions, bent them, or blatantly broke them. If it was a closed relationship these people would have ended up cheating on him and in the end, still hurt him...if not more, at least as much.

I'm here trying to prove that I'm different...but there have been occasions where I lose all sensible reasoning and make exceptions myself...now, I'm not going to lie about it, or I wouldn't have posted it here (and if you're reading this baby, I'm sorry...). It's always hard for me to stay in the lines...there is always a part of me that says, "but this might be your only chance to experience this"...and for some reason I occasionally listen to that part, but I'm prepared to pay for that. If in the end it means I lose the only one I'll ever love...I don't know what I'll do, but I know nothing will be the same again. There have been time where I've thought, "I'll never get this chance again...just this once..." and so on...but, the times where someone said or I thought, "he doesn't have to know...he'll never find out...if you don't tell I won't" that's where is drew the line. I hate lying to people, or keeping secrets...and from the one I love, well...that just makes it even worse. Why would anyone want to keep something hidden from the one they want to be with forever? It hurts me when someone does that to there lovers, because someone will eventually get hurt...and like I said before, when they hurt, I hurt.

Any-ways...I'm being a little too emo right now...teh dragon is done, for now.

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Peace Out