Life in the limbo lane...(not a low as you think, but it sure is close)

Here I am again...just sitting around, doin' a whole lot of nothing...though there is plenty I should or need to do, I don't have the modivation or drive to do so. I know the what, the how, even the where, but I don't have anything other than that. It's like building a swing set in the middle of the desert; I have the parts, the instructions, and the tools...but why the hell would I build a swingset in the middle of the desert. For some reason I lack the momentum to help myself...and so I always try and help out other, where and when I can.

I know the problem, I just have no clue what the solution might be...there are no goals in my life, short or long distant, there are none. Sure I have partial goals here and there, day-to-day...and yes I dream of various futures that would be nice to have happened, but yet there's a disconect and they never become stable, beliveable goals. Of course I know it's because I think to much about it...starting off, painting the goal with a broad brush, and go in to fill in the details with smaller, finer brushes. It never works out though, I make one stroke with the smaller brushes and I fined that it just doesn't work, but I give it a chance...I'll go back and clean it up later. Then a few more strokes...nope, I was wrong, time to start over.

It's all the little details that I worry about...that's why I'm never good with holidays (though I love to travle)...it's the, "what will I do when I get there" part...I could never travle alone. But this isn't a holiday, this is life...and even though there are people all around me to help me out, I need to make the first step. Oh, but there are so many chosies...to stay in Chicago, to leave Chicago. It seems when I think with my head...when I think of what I want to do for a living, Chicago (though not the only place) is where I'm at and where my kind of work is. But when I think heart...where and who I want to be with, I think of Morgantown...I think of Yuki. I stop thinking of me, and start thinking of him.

The argument could equally be made for the both of us: I have friends and family here, he has them there. He has good work out there, I (though curently unemployed) have decent work that will get even better in a short period of time. He has a place, I am curently working on a place of my own (but I'll get there). The thing is, when I think of the trade off...well, it seems I lose everything while he only loses the friends and family. It's Chicago, there's has to be something close to what he does that pays just the same (or better). Where as Morgantown, there's not a theater in sight...and if there is, I'm sure they have everyone they need (though I'm sure they haven't even heard of a WholeHog2 WYSIWYG Lighting board).

So with it all painstakingly writen out in plain English, with all the t's crossed and i's dotted...where dose that leave me? I've basicly told him all this and...well, I'm left standing on one foot in the middle of a tug-o-war....Love vs. Career. Can't I have both? I'm sure there is (another) answer (aside from him moving out here). But as of now, I still see nothing in the terms of advancement...and I'm scared that I'll either be stuck in a behind-a-counter sevice (food or retail) or I'll be an even bigger lump than I am here. Even here I can atleast call in everyday and (with some luck) get a hundred dollar day...or (with even more luck) a fivehundred dollar night.

But so far, Laddy Fortuna has continualy paddled me with her rudder (not as hot as one might think). Day after day my life heads down a new branch of a dark river while I'm blind folded, and instead of venturing into the unknown, like some brave soles do, I do my best to find a river bank and wait out the darkness. Is it the cowards way out...mm, maybe...but I rather wait and know the posible ends to the path then follow it blindly till I reach the waterfall at the end.

X-Box Live

Yeah, I caved...

I think too damn much...

That's all I really do, no matter what...think, think, think, THINK! I should really stop...cause even though I think of a lot of possibilities of how things will play out, I usually don't think of how they actually play out. That's why I always hesitate so damn much about what I do...is it the right thing to do, if I hold out will something better turn out, or is this the best I can do. It's not that I'm trying to do what's best for me either, I just don't want to disturb or upset anyone with what I do...or don't do.

Thinking of what I need to do...the list is endless, mainly because I don't have one thing that most people have when they think about the future...a goal. I am goal-less, and I don't know what to do or say about the future...so instead of thinking of what to do to accomplish my goal, I think about what I have to do that has the best possible turn out in the end.

There have been to distinct possibilities for me in the future, stay here...or move away. All I really been thinking about is how I could make the first work out for all parties involved. I have spared a few cycles to the whole moving out of here...but every time I try to figure out the basics, what I would do once I got there and such, I draw a complete blank. I try and think of some possibilities that I think about for here...but they all seem less appetizing than here every time I run it through my mind.

So my current position is; here I am in Chicago, and what a great place it is, I know this place inside and out...friends that, even though I don't see 'em much, I can willy-nilly if plans work out. Even though currently I'm not working, there is plenty of work here for me to do, and same with school. If I get motivated to go learn something, I have to think about which school I want to learn it from. Even though my dad and brother is a big minus, my mom and baby bro is a big plus.

That's the possibilities that I have here, now door number two; out in Morgantown, WV...which is also a great place, aside from the whole walking up a mountain and then walking down a mountain, I've been there enough that I can find my way around. Both his friends and family have taken a shine to me...that's always a big plus, but of course I'd be leaving everyone here, aside from a visit here and there. Work-wise, I haven't a clue what I would do...I couldn't do what I do out here (though it's very infrequent here, at least it's something). I'm terrible with normal jobs, that's why I haven't got one yet...I hate repetitiveness and the same-old, same-old. School wise, there are two out there, they have a few programs that might interest me...but, I don't know.

I guess the fact of the matter is, there's just too many unknowns for me out there...of course it's not like I have to make a decision now, but I don't want to leave it hang for to long either. My heart says yes, but my instinct says it'd be better if I stay put. Life (though not overly hard in it's complexities) sucks (in it's over simplistic choices). I just need a sign...or a hint...something that could point me in the best possible direction...